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Who invented King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference!
Sir Cumference!
What doesn't belong on this list; meat, eggs, girlfriend, blowjob.?
Blowjob. Because you can beat your meat eggs and girlfriend, but you can't beat a blowjob.
Blowjob. Because you can beat your meat eggs and girlfriend, but you can't beat a blowjob.
"What is an island?"
"A piece of land surrounded by water except on one side."
"On one side?"
"Yes, on top!"
"A piece of land surrounded by water except on one side."
"On one side?"
"Yes, on top!"
A man was taken for hearing, the Judge asks: "Why are you arrested?"
He says: "For shopping early?"
Judge: "Well, that's not a crime, anyway how early were you shopping?"
He replies: "Before the vendor opened the shop!"
He says: "For shopping early?"
Judge: "Well, that's not a crime, anyway how early were you shopping?"
He replies: "Before the vendor opened the shop!"
"Mommy, Mommy! what's a vampire?"
"Shut up and drink your soup before it clots!"
"Shut up and drink your soup before it clots!"
What's hard and straight going in, soft and sticky coming out?
Chewing gum.
Chewing gum.
Teacher: "Would you at the back of the room stop passing notes!"
Little Johnny: "We're not passing notes. We're playing cards!"
Little Johnny: "We're not passing notes. We're playing cards!"
Teacher: "Give me a sentence with the words defence, defeat and detail in it."
Little Johnny: "When a horse jumps over defence, defeat go before detail!"
Little Johnny: "When a horse jumps over defence, defeat go before detail!"
Which animal grows down?
A duck!
A duck!
Q: Did you hear about the new Drink at the bar?
A: It's called the Osama bin Laden, 2 shots and a splash.
A: It's called the Osama bin Laden, 2 shots and a splash.
What would you call the war between whites and blacks kkk vs kfc.
1st Roman Soldier: "What is the time?"
2nd Roman Soldier: "XX past VII!"
2nd Roman Soldier: "XX past VII!"
What is the difference between pizza and pussy?
You can eat the crust off of pizza.
You can eat the crust off of pizza.
Grammar is important.
Capital letters are the difference betwen helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse.
Capital letters are the difference betwen helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse.
What has no shape, you can't see it, travels fast, creates a sonicboom, and kills with deadly accuracy?
Whatever you do to answer, don't look at that fat guy eating a plate of beans ...
Whatever you do to answer, don't look at that fat guy eating a plate of beans ...
The sad life a penis: "I only have one eye, my hair is a mess, my skin is wrinkly, and my relatives are nuts, my neighbour is an arsehole and my best friend’s a cunt!"
How does bob marley like his donuts?
With jamin!
With jamin!
Teacher: "What is a comet?"
Pupil: "A star with a tail!"
Teacher: "Can you name one?"
Pupil: "Lassie!"
Pupil: "A star with a tail!"
Teacher: "Can you name one?"
Pupil: "Lassie!"
My mother-in-law was bitten by a dog yesterday.
How is she now?
She's fine - but the dog died.
How is she now?
She's fine - but the dog died.
Yo momma is so hairy, the only language she speaks is wookie.
Yo momma is so fat, she uses a mattress as a tampon.
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting Doctor!
Inter ...
You have cancer!
Who's there?
Interrupting Doctor!
Inter ...
You have cancer!
What do you get if you cross a centipede and a parrot?
A walkie talkie!
A walkie talkie!
Mother: "How was your first day at school?"
Son: "It was all right except for some men called teachers who kept spoiling all our fun!"
Son: "It was all right except for some men called teachers who kept spoiling all our fun!"
Why do wives use twice as many words as their husbands?
Because they have to repeat everything they say.
Because they have to repeat everything they say.
The Pope arrives in heaven, where St. Peter awaites him. St. Peter asks who he is.
The Pope: "I am the pope."
St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."
The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."
St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ..."
The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catholic Church ..."
St. Peter: "The Catholic church ... Never heard of it ... Wait, I'll check with the boss."
St. Peter walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with God.
St. Peter: "There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on earth."
God: "I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of ... Wait, I'll ask Jesus." (yells for Jesus)
Jesus: "Yes father, what's up?"
God and St. Peter explain the situation.
Jesus: "Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow."
Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing.
Jesus: "Remember that fishing club I've started 2000 years ago? It still exists!"
The Pope: "I am the pope."
St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."
The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."
St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ..."
The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catholic Church ..."
St. Peter: "The Catholic church ... Never heard of it ... Wait, I'll check with the boss."
St. Peter walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with God.
St. Peter: "There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on earth."
God: "I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of ... Wait, I'll ask Jesus." (yells for Jesus)
Jesus: "Yes father, what's up?"
God and St. Peter explain the situation.
Jesus: "Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow."
Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing.
Jesus: "Remember that fishing club I've started 2000 years ago? It still exists!"
"Mommy, Mommy, I want to play with Grandpa now!"
"Keep quiet, the coffin stays closed today!"
"Keep quiet, the coffin stays closed today!"
I heard Rex Grossman tried to kill himself after the Super Bowl ...
He couldn't go through with it though. He kept dropping the gun ...
He couldn't go through with it though. He kept dropping the gun ...
Our local drug store is selling tampons with bells on.
But just for the Christmas period.
But just for the Christmas period.
What's yellow and can't swim?
A bulldozer!
A bulldozer!
A blond, a brunette, and a redhead are interviewing for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different planets.
First, the panel of scientists asks the brunette, "If you could go to any planet, what planet would you choose and why?" She answers promptly, "I would go to Mars because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible extra terrestrial life on the planet."
Next, the panel asks the redhead the same question. Without any hesitation, she replies, "I'd like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings."
Finally, the NASA scientists ask the blonde the same question they asked the brunette and the redhead. After pondering for several minutes, she finally answers, "I would go to the sun."
Several scientists suppress a laugh, but the lead interviewer, trying to take the blonde seriously, explains, "Well, if you went to the sun, you'd burn to death almost instantaneously."
The blond smirks and puts her hands on her hips. "Don't be stupid! I'd go at night!"
First, the panel of scientists asks the brunette, "If you could go to any planet, what planet would you choose and why?" She answers promptly, "I would go to Mars because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible extra terrestrial life on the planet."
Next, the panel asks the redhead the same question. Without any hesitation, she replies, "I'd like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings."
Finally, the NASA scientists ask the blonde the same question they asked the brunette and the redhead. After pondering for several minutes, she finally answers, "I would go to the sun."
Several scientists suppress a laugh, but the lead interviewer, trying to take the blonde seriously, explains, "Well, if you went to the sun, you'd burn to death almost instantaneously."
The blond smirks and puts her hands on her hips. "Don't be stupid! I'd go at night!"
Teacher: "What are the Great Plains?"
Pupil: "747, Concorde and F-16!"
Pupil: "747, Concorde and F-16!"
What pillar doesn't need holding up?
A caterpillar!
A caterpillar!
The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word "definitely" in a sentence.
Little Johnny replies: "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"
The Teacher says: "Of course not Johnny."
To which Johnny replies: "Then I have definitely shit my pants."
Little Johnny replies: "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"
The Teacher says: "Of course not Johnny."
To which Johnny replies: "Then I have definitely shit my pants."
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Heaven!
Heaven who?
Heaven you heard enough of these silly knock-knock jokes?
Who's there?
Heaven!
Heaven who?
Heaven you heard enough of these silly knock-knock jokes?
Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".
"I've been circumcised." the other replied.
"What does that mean?"
"It means they cut the skin off the end."
"How old were you when it was cut off?"
"My mom said I was two days old."
"Did it hurt?" the kid asked inquiringly.
"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"
"I've been circumcised." the other replied.
"What does that mean?"
"It means they cut the skin off the end."
"How old were you when it was cut off?"
"My mom said I was two days old."
"Did it hurt?" the kid asked inquiringly.
"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"
"Why does your geography exam have a big zero over it."
"It's not a zero, the teacher ran out of stars, so she gave me a moon instead!"
"It's not a zero, the teacher ran out of stars, so she gave me a moon instead!"
A little boy was attended his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said: "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said: "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer"
Yo Momma is like a bus, she's big, she doesn't smell very good and it's only a dollar to ride!
Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
A blonde cop stops a blonde motorist and asks for her driver's license.
The motorist digs around in her purse but can't find it. She says to the cop, "I must have left it at home, officer."
The cop says, "Well, do you have any kind of identification?"
The motorist searches her purse again and finds a pocket mirror. She looks at it and says to the cop, "All I have is this picture of myself."
The cop says, "Let me see." So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, who looks at it, and replies, "Well, if I'd known you were a police officer, I wouldn't have pulled you over."
The motorist digs around in her purse but can't find it. She says to the cop, "I must have left it at home, officer."
The cop says, "Well, do you have any kind of identification?"
The motorist searches her purse again and finds a pocket mirror. She looks at it and says to the cop, "All I have is this picture of myself."
The cop says, "Let me see." So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, who looks at it, and replies, "Well, if I'd known you were a police officer, I wouldn't have pulled you over."
Teacher: "Why were you late?"
Pupil: "Sorry, I overslept."
Techer: "You mean you need to sleep at home too!"
Pupil: "Sorry, I overslept."
Techer: "You mean you need to sleep at home too!"
A lady was in the stirrups at her gynecologist's office having her annual checkup, when she heard the doctor talking to himself as he examined her: "My, what a big vagina! ... My, what a big vagina!"
The lady was, to put it mildly, a bit annoyed. Being the assertive type she spoke up immediately: "Doctor, I can't believe what I'm hearing! I think it's incredibly unprofessional of you to say something like that. To say such a thing once was bad enough, but twice is outrageous!"
"I'm very sorry," replied the doctor, "please forgive me. But just to set the record straight, I only said it ONCE Once once ..."
The lady was, to put it mildly, a bit annoyed. Being the assertive type she spoke up immediately: "Doctor, I can't believe what I'm hearing! I think it's incredibly unprofessional of you to say something like that. To say such a thing once was bad enough, but twice is outrageous!"
"I'm very sorry," replied the doctor, "please forgive me. But just to set the record straight, I only said it ONCE Once once ..."
What's the difference between a bonus and a penis?
Your wife always blows your bonus.
Your wife always blows your bonus.
A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a veterinarian for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again.
He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.
One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass.
"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."
The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again.
He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.
One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass.
"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."
Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"
A crowded flight is cancelled, and a frazzled agent must rebook a long line of inconvenienced travelers by herself. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushes to the front and demands to be on the next flight, first class.
Agent: "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first."
Passenger: "Do you have any idea who I am?"
The gate agent grabs her public address microphone, "May I have your attention, please? We have a passenger here who does not know who he is. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate 17."
The man grits his teeth, "Screw you."
She replies, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."
Agent: "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first."
Passenger: "Do you have any idea who I am?"
The gate agent grabs her public address microphone, "May I have your attention, please? We have a passenger here who does not know who he is. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate 17."
The man grits his teeth, "Screw you."
She replies, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.
"You aren't so good in bed either!", he shouted and stormed off to work.
By mid morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home. "What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion!"
"You aren't so good in bed either!", he shouted and stormed off to work.
By mid morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home. "What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion!"
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said: "Let's talk, I am sure that flights are faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and asked the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know", said the stranger.
"How about nuclear power?" The girl asked.
"Ok," he said "That could be an interesting topic!"
The girl continues: "But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"The stranger thinks about it and says:"Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies:"Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
The little girl who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and asked the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know", said the stranger.
"How about nuclear power?" The girl asked.
"Ok," he said "That could be an interesting topic!"
The girl continues: "But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"The stranger thinks about it and says:"Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies:"Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked: "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied: "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law? I'll lose my licence! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You cannot have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied: "You didn't tell me you had a prescription!"
The pharmacist asked: "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied: "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law? I'll lose my licence! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You cannot have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied: "You didn't tell me you had a prescription!"