Свежие анекдоты, приколы со всего рунета!
Yo momma is so fat. She doesn't have a waistline – she has a landscape.
Why did the little girl leave her phone near a pond? She wanted duck calls.
Mother to son: who are you talking with on mobile?
Son: IAM talking with mother of Mike.
Mother: and who is Mike?
Son: your future grandchild
Little Johnny asks his grandpa, "Do you still have sex with grandma?"
Grandpa: "Yes, but only oral."
Little Johnny: "What's oral?"
Grandpa: "When I say fuck you, she says fuck you too."
Why did the cowboy cry during art class? He couldn't draw his gun.
Q. Why wasn't Van Gogh a musician?
A. He didn't have an EAR for music.
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?
" Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"
Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."
The teacher fainted ...
A teacher asks her class: "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot."
The teacher replies: "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then Little Johnny says: "I have a question for you. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied: "Well I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little Johnny replied: "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking."
What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
They're both filled with stiffs – except one's coming and one's going.
Q. What is 6.9?
A. A beautiful thing interrupted by a period.
Why did the two goldfish get in trouble? They were playing hooky.
Little Johnny: "I got 100 in school today."
Mother: "Wonderful. What did you get 100 in?"
Little Johnny: "Two things – I got 50 in spelling and 50 in history."
Mother: "Well, at least you can add!"
Three tampons are walking down the street, there names are normal, extra protection and maxi. which one says hello none because they're all stuck up bitches.
Q: What's a favorite pick up line in a gay bar?
A: "May I push your stool in for you?"
Why did the math book look so sad?
Because it had so many problems.
Q. What is red and bad for your teeth?
A. A brick
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course ... at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
Johnny was in the playground with his friend Jimmy, when he noticed the brand new shiny watch Jimmy was wearing.
"Did you get that for your birthday?" He asked.
"No!" Jimmy replied.
"Well did you get it for Christmas then?" Johnny asked.
"No!"
"You didn’t steal it, did you?"
"No!" said Jimmy.
"I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they ‘doing the nasty’. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me."
Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy’s new watch.
He vowed to get one for himself. That night he waited outside his parents’ room until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking.
Johnny swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and asked him angrily: "What do you want now?"
"I cannot sleep there's water in my bed." Johnny replied.
Without missing a stroke, his father said: ”Fine! Stand at the corner keep quiet and wait!"
The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other guy will do.
The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!"
The other says, "Go home dad you’re drunk."
OUCH!!!
Bookworms.
Pupil: "How long for the answers sir!"
This women was very ugly, fat, and disgusting. She kept yelling at her two kids, cussing all over the place.
I walked up to her and said, "excuse me mam, what lovely kids you have, are they twins?"
She cussed at me and said, "what are you fucking retarded, anyone with eyes can tell that they aren't twins, one's 7 and the other is 9!"
I though about this for some seconds and responded, "I didn't think they looked like twins but I just couldn't believe someone would want to sleep with you twice."
That was my first and last day being a Walmart greeter.
Little Johnny: "Yes, teacher – one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten."
Teacher: "Now go on from there."
Little Johnny: "Jack, Queen, King."
Little Johnny: "A piece of land surrounded by water except on one side."
Teacher: "On one side?"
Little Johnny: "Yes, on top!"
Get off the carousel!
Father: "Why not?"
Little Johnny: "I don't feel well."
Father: "Where you don't feel well?"
Little Johnny: "In school!"
One. They are efficient and don't have humor.
"I need to eat a skinny person."
It was delicious.
A while later the teacher asked Susie, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Susie didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Susie and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Susie fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked Susie a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!''
Little Johnny: "A reindeer."
Teacher: "Good, now name another."
Little Johnny: "Another reindeer!"
He was learning a foreign language.
Mushroom, "I look like an umbrella."
Walnut, "I look like a brain."
Banana, "Can we please change the topic?"
Grandpa says, "Yes, but only oral."
Johnny asks, "What is oral?"
Grandpa says, "I say fuck you, she says fuck you, too."
The first mouse says: "I'm the hardest I go up to mousetraps rip the cheese out and as the bar comes down I benchpress it 30 times and throw it across the room!"
The second mouse says: "You poof I get rat poison crush it into a powder and snort it!"
The third mouse finishes his drink gets up and walks to the door.
"Where are you going?" ask the other two mice.
"Home to fuck the cat!"
I got detention after asking which end.
Cook: "Don't blame me I only laid the table!"
The rest of the day the guy worries and frets. He gets so worried that he starts to build up a lot of gas. But he makes it to her house and is invited inside. The dinner was great and afterwards the young woman's father starts to read the paper. The guy's gas has built to a level that his bowels cannot contain anymore so he decides to let a little fart go.
Phht ...
The father rolls down his paper at the sound and says, "Spot ..."
The guy looks around confused by this comment and spies a old sheepdog behind his chair. Great the old man must think the dog is doing it! So he decides to let a bigger fart go.
Phhhhttt ...
The father takes off his glasses and rolls down his paper. "Spot!" he says in an annoyed tone.
The guy feels much better and decides to let one more fart go to relieve all the gas.
pppphhhhttttpow!
The father rips his glasses off and throws the paper to the floor. "Spot you deaf bag of fur ... get away from him before he shits all over you!"
Little Johnny: "I suspect it's around Hadrian's garden!"
If you are a bug!
Mother: "Wonderful. What did you get 100 in?"
Little Johnny: "Two things - I got 50 in spelling and 50 in history."
Mother: "Well, at least you can add!"
Lipstick!
A million people have AIDS and no one wants to wear a condom!
Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
Because 7 8 9.
"Shut up. Do you think I pour grandpa's vomit through a sieve?"