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What do librarians take with them when they go fishing?
Teacher: "In the exam you will be allowed 30 minutes for each question."
Pupil: "How long for the answers sir!"
One day I got hired to be a Walmart greeter. I was doing a fine job untill a women with her two kids came in.
This women was very ugly, fat, and disgusting. She kept yelling at her two kids, cussing all over the place.
I walked up to her and said, "excuse me mam, what lovely kids you have, are they twins?"
She cussed at me and said, "what are you fucking retarded, anyone with eyes can tell that they aren't twins, one's 7 and the other is 9!"
I though about this for some seconds and responded, "I didn't think they looked like twins but I just couldn't believe someone would want to sleep with you twice."
That was my first and last day being a Walmart greeter.
Teacher: "Can you count to 10?"
Little Johnny: "Yes, teacher – one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten."
Teacher: "Now go on from there."
Little Johnny: "Jack, Queen, King."
Teacher: "What is an island?"
Little Johnny: "A piece of land surrounded by water except on one side."
Teacher: "On one side?"
Little Johnny: "Yes, on top!"
You're riding a horse full speed, and there's a giraffe on your left and a lion chasing you from behind. So what do you do?
Get off the carousel!
Little Johnny: "I can't go to school today."
Father: "Why not?"
Little Johnny: "I don't feel well."
Father: "Where you don't feel well?"
Little Johnny: "In school!"
How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?
One. They are efficient and don't have humor.
"Don't forget you are what you eat."
"I need to eat a skinny person."
Diet day #1: All the unhealthy food has been removed from the house.
It was delicious.
Little Susie was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Susie, who created the universe?'' When Little Susie didn't stir, Little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty!'' shouted Susie and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Susie fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Susie, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Susie didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Susie and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Susie fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked Susie a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!''
Teacher: "Name an animal that lives in Lapland?"
Little Johnny: "A reindeer."
Teacher: "Good, now name another."
Little Johnny: "Another reindeer!"
Why did the frog say meow?
He was learning a foreign language.
Broccoli, "I look like a small tree."
Mushroom, "I look like an umbrella."
Walnut, "I look like a brain."
Banana, "Can we please change the topic?"
If camera lenses are round, why are the pictures square?
Johnny asks his grandpa, "do you still have sex with granny?"
Grandpa says, "Yes, but only oral."
Johnny asks, "What is oral?"
Grandpa says, "I say fuck you, she says fuck you, too."
3 mice in a pub having a heavy discussing who's the hardest.
The first mouse says: "I'm the hardest I go up to mousetraps rip the cheese out and as the bar comes down I benchpress it 30 times and throw it across the room!"
The second mouse says: "You poof I get rat poison crush it into a powder and snort it!"
The third mouse finishes his drink gets up and walks to the door.
"Where are you going?" ask the other two mice.
"Home to fuck the cat!"
My teacher pointed me with his ruler and said: "At the end of this ruler there's an idiot!"
I got detention after asking which end.
Pupil: "This egg is bad!"
Cook: "Don't blame me I only laid the table!"
A guy finally gets a date with the girl of his dreams. She tells him that before they can go out, he has to come over and have dinner with her family. Well the guy isn't too fond of the idea but the woman is too gorgeous to refuse.
The rest of the day the guy worries and frets. He gets so worried that he starts to build up a lot of gas. But he makes it to her house and is invited inside. The dinner was great and afterwards the young woman's father starts to read the paper. The guy's gas has built to a level that his bowels cannot contain anymore so he decides to let a little fart go.
The father rolls down his paper at the sound and says, "Spot ..."
The guy looks around confused by this comment and spies a old sheepdog behind his chair. Great the old man must think the dog is doing it! So he decides to let a bigger fart go.
The father takes off his glasses and rolls down his paper. "Spot!" he says in an annoyed tone.
The guy feels much better and decides to let one more fart go to relieve all the gas.
The father rips his glasses off and throws the paper to the floor. "Spot you deaf bag of fur ... get away from him before he shits all over you!"
Teacher: "Who can tell me where Hadrians' Wall is?"
Little Johnny: "I suspect it's around Hadrian's garden!"
The food in our school canteen is perfect.
If you are a bug!
Little Johnny: "I got 100 in school today."
Mother: "Wonderful. What did you get 100 in?"
Little Johnny: "Two things - I got 50 in spelling and 50 in history."
Mother: "Well, at least you can add!"
Whats the difference between a woman with PMS and a pittbull?
100 people get the swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask.
A million people have AIDS and no one wants to wear a condom!
How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 8 9.
Yo momma is so fat, when she goes to McDonalds they ask her what she doesn't want!
Yo momma is so hairy, the only language she speaks is wookiee.
"Mommy, Mommy! I don't like the crunchy stuff in my pea soup!"
"Shut up. Do you think I pour grandpa's vomit through a sieve?"
You have cancer!
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called John, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over ...
John clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear 20 stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
John grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?''
No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T.
Most people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
A man was walking down the street with a pig under his arm.
I asked: "Where did you get that?"
The pig replied: "I won him in a raffle!"
A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. so he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "gorilla removers". He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. he's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then i'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let it go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
So the guy puts the ladder up, gets the bat and the shotgun and walks towards the ladder. As he gets to the base of the ladder, he hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the damn dog!"
What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, you already told her twice.
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says: "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started".
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger".
He held her hand and said, "Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then" he sighed, "let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
Managers are like squirrels.
They are rats with good PR and if you have more than one or two they become a nuisance.
What was Camelot famous for?
It's knight life!
They say money doesnt buy happiness. I wouldn't know. I dont have any money. But one thing I have learned is this: Poverty doesn't buy happiness.
The Secretary of Defense is briefing President Bush on Iraq. "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"Oh no!" exclaims the president, "That's terrible!" His staff is stunned at this unprecedented display of emotion, watching as Bush sits, head in hands.
Finally, he looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
A lady is throwing a party where each guest shows up as their favorite emotion. A guest arrives dressed in green. "Envy!" she says, and lets him in.
A lady comes dressed in red. She says: "Anger!" and lets her in.
Two naked guys walk up to the front door. One guy is holding a bowl of pudding with his penis stuck in it, and the other guy has his penis in a hollowed-out pear.
"Wait a minute," she says to them. "This is supposed to be an emotion party!"
The first guy says: "Yeah, and I'm fucking dis-custard."
The second guy says: "And I'm deep in dis-pear."
Teacher had an idea. She would ask the class a question on friday afternoon and whoever could answer it did not have to come back to school till tuesday. The first friday came and she asked,"how many grains of sand are in the sahara desert?" None of the kids knew that and she didn't either. The next friday came and she asked,"how many gallons of water are in the atlantic ocean?"Same results, the kids didn't know the answer and she didn't either. Little Johnny had a bright idea, thursday night he got two golf balls and painted them black. Friday when teacher was just going to ask the question, he threw the golf balls on the floor. Teacher asked, "OK, WHOSE THE COMEDIAN WITH THE BLACK BALLS?" Little Johnny said, "EDDIE MURPHY, SEE YOU TUESDAY TEACHER!!
Leaving Minnesota for Colorado, I decide to make a stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road. I go in the washroom. The first stall was taken so I went in the second stall. I just sat down when I hear a voice from the next stall: "Hi there, how is it going?"
Okay, I am not the type to strike conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road. I didn't know what to say so finally I say: "Not bad ..."
Then the voice says: "So, what are you doing?"
I am starting to find that a bit weird, but I say: "Well, I'm going back to Colorado ..."
Then I hear the person say all flustered: "Look I'll call you back, every time I ask you a question this idiot in the next stall keeps answering me."
Yo momma is so fat, it took me two planes and a bus to get to her good side!
What do you call a mexican with no car?
A Televangelist a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer. The farmer said: "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn."
"No problem," chimed the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening." With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night. Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door, there stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer. The Rabbi replied, "I am grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that this is an unclean animal."
His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door, "What's wrong, now?" the farmer asks. The Hindu holy man replies, "I too am grateful for your helping us out but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!"
Well, that leaves only the Televangelist to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Yep, you guessed it! Moments later there was another knock on the farmers door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.
A chemist walks into a restaurant and asks for Dihydrogen Monoxide. The waiter asks what that is. The chemist informs him that the molecular formula of this chemical is H2O. So the perplexed waiter says, "it's basically water," to which the chemist responds, "neutrally!"
Q: Why did the energizer battery take a shortcut through the Twilight Zone?
A: Because he had to Do Do Do Do, Do Do Do Do; and he kept going and going and going.