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A man was walking down the street with a pig under his arm.
I asked: "Where did you get that?"
The pig replied: "I won him in a raffle!"
A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. so he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "gorilla removers". He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. he's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then i'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let it go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
So the guy puts the ladder up, gets the bat and the shotgun and walks towards the ladder. As he gets to the base of the ladder, he hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the damn dog!"
What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, you already told her twice.
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says: "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started".
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger".
He held her hand and said, "Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then" he sighed, "let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
Managers are like squirrels.
They are rats with good PR and if you have more than one or two they become a nuisance.
What was Camelot famous for?
It's knight life!
They say money doesnt buy happiness. I wouldn't know. I dont have any money. But one thing I have learned is this: Poverty doesn't buy happiness.
The Secretary of Defense is briefing President Bush on Iraq. "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"Oh no!" exclaims the president, "That's terrible!" His staff is stunned at this unprecedented display of emotion, watching as Bush sits, head in hands.
Finally, he looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
A lady is throwing a party where each guest shows up as their favorite emotion. A guest arrives dressed in green. "Envy!" she says, and lets him in.
A lady comes dressed in red. She says: "Anger!" and lets her in.
Two naked guys walk up to the front door. One guy is holding a bowl of pudding with his penis stuck in it, and the other guy has his penis in a hollowed-out pear.
"Wait a minute," she says to them. "This is supposed to be an emotion party!"
The first guy says: "Yeah, and I'm fucking dis-custard."
The second guy says: "And I'm deep in dis-pear."
Teacher had an idea. She would ask the class a question on friday afternoon and whoever could answer it did not have to come back to school till tuesday. The first friday came and she asked,"how many grains of sand are in the sahara desert?" None of the kids knew that and she didn't either. The next friday came and she asked,"how many gallons of water are in the atlantic ocean?"Same results, the kids didn't know the answer and she didn't either. Little Johnny had a bright idea, thursday night he got two golf balls and painted them black. Friday when teacher was just going to ask the question, he threw the golf balls on the floor. Teacher asked, "OK, WHOSE THE COMEDIAN WITH THE BLACK BALLS?" Little Johnny said, "EDDIE MURPHY, SEE YOU TUESDAY TEACHER!!
Leaving Minnesota for Colorado, I decide to make a stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road. I go in the washroom. The first stall was taken so I went in the second stall. I just sat down when I hear a voice from the next stall: "Hi there, how is it going?"
Okay, I am not the type to strike conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road. I didn't know what to say so finally I say: "Not bad ..."
Then the voice says: "So, what are you doing?"
I am starting to find that a bit weird, but I say: "Well, I'm going back to Colorado ..."
Then I hear the person say all flustered: "Look I'll call you back, every time I ask you a question this idiot in the next stall keeps answering me."
Yo momma is so fat, it took me two planes and a bus to get to her good side!
What do you call a mexican with no car?
A Televangelist a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer. The farmer said: "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn."
"No problem," chimed the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening." With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night. Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door, there stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer. The Rabbi replied, "I am grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that this is an unclean animal."
His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door, "What's wrong, now?" the farmer asks. The Hindu holy man replies, "I too am grateful for your helping us out but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!"
Well, that leaves only the Televangelist to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Yep, you guessed it! Moments later there was another knock on the farmers door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.
A chemist walks into a restaurant and asks for Dihydrogen Monoxide. The waiter asks what that is. The chemist informs him that the molecular formula of this chemical is H2O. So the perplexed waiter says, "it's basically water," to which the chemist responds, "neutrally!"
Q: Why did the energizer battery take a shortcut through the Twilight Zone?
A: Because he had to Do Do Do Do, Do Do Do Do; and he kept going and going and going.
Yo Momma's so nasty, her tits give curds and whey.
Yo Momma is so fat, when she told me her weight, I thought it was her credit card number!
What did the bee say to the flower?
A dwarf goes to the gas station with his tiny car and says to the employee:
- Fill my car with one drop of benzine, please.
And the employee answers:
- Did you want me to fart in your tires, too?
The Tin Man, the Scare Crow and Bill Clinton go to see the Wizard of Oz.
The Tin man asks for a heart. The scare crow asks for a brain. What does Bill Clinton ask for?
Yo mama is so fat, Jabba the Hutt said "DAMN"!!!!
Why did the walrus lick the envelope?- because it was looking for a good SEAL!
whats got 100 legs and 4 teeth? the methodone queue in HMP style prison
Pupil: "I don't like cheese with holes!"
Dinner Lady: "Well just eat the cheese and leave the holes on the side of your plate!"
Why did princess Diana cross the road?
Because she wasn't wearing a seatbelt
What was the last thing that went through her mind?
The samsung galaxy note 7 is da bomb!
Oh SHIT! It went boom in my car!!!
An earthquake has struck the maternity hospital. Three people where killed, however six people where born.
Yo momma is so ugly that when you bring her to the doctors they say: "The vets office is over there!"
A lady goes into the local sporting goods store to buy a fishing rod to give to her husband for his birthday.
A salesman wearing dark glasses with a dog is behind the counter and asks, "Can I help you ma'am?"
"Well, I'd like to buy a fishing rod, can you tell me about this one?" she answers.
The salesman replies, "I'm sorry ma'am but I am blind and can not see the rod your referring too. However, if you'll drop it on the counter I'll tell you all about it as I can tell from the sound it makes."
The lady picks up the rod, and does what he says and drops it on the counter.
He belts "That's a Zebco 2500, fiberglass, 6.5', medium action - $15."
Lady - "Wow!" She finds another and does the same.
"Thats an Orion 35 C, graphite, 6', light action - best used with ultralight tackle - $20."
Very impressed the lady decides to buy the second one.
As the man is ringing up the sale, the lady makes a rather large noise as she passes gas but feels no need to apologize as the salesman is blind and has no idea who she is.
Salesman says, "That'll be $25."
"TWENTY FIVE DOLLARS!? YOU SAID $20?"
"That's right mam, $20 for the rod, $3 for the duck call, and $2 for the fish bait."
Little Billy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send Billy a $5.00 bill. President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
Billy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.”
At an army training camp in Florida, the sergeant is giving a talk: "The main quality we look for in this army is commitment and this is what I call commitment." An alligator came in the room and bit the sergeants penis. It stayed there for about a 10 seconds then the seargent poked it in the eyes and kicked it off.
"Now who's ready to show their commitment?" said the sergeant. A man put his hand up and said "I will, but promise you won't poke me in the eyes."
What do the starship enterprise and toilet paper have in common?
They both circle uranus and wipe out klingons!
Why do cows have bells?
Because their horns don't work.
A blonde walked in to a barber shop listening to her CD player.
BARBER: Ma'am, will you please take out your headphones?
BLONDE: NO!!! It is my way only of living!
BARBER: Okay, fine.
But secretly, in the middle of the haircut he takes the headphones out.
TWO HOURS LATER:
The blonde is dead, the barber is arrested, and police are on the crime scene.
The police decide to listen to the CD and it said, "Breath in, breath out, breath in, breath out ..."
The Story of an Italian Tourist in America:
So one-a daya I go to America. When I land I’ma very hungry, so I go to a resteranta and order a piece a toast. However, ma waitress, she is very stupid. She bringa me a plate with nothing on it. I says to her,
“I want a piece a toast on da plate.” She’s like,
“Wha?” So I says to her, “
I wanta piece on da plate!” and she tell me
“ You better not piss on da plate you sonsawabich! I angry with her, so I leave. I go to another resteranta hoping my luck will change. When I ama seated, there is no fork on da table. So I says to my waitress,
“ I want a fork-a on da table!” and she says to me,
“You better not fuck me on the table, you sonsawabich!” Again, I leave. I finally get to my hotel, but I notice that my bedsa don’t have any sheets. So I call the manager, and I tell him
“I wanna sheet on the bed!” and he tells me, “You better not shit on da bed you sonsawabich!”
Paddy goes for a job interview at a blacksmiths.
"Do you have any experience Shoeing horses?"
Paddy replies: "No but I once told a donkey to fuck off!"
Why do hummingbirds hum?
Because they forgot the words!
Hey these r some justteen barber jokes 2 make u laugh ...
Wats the diff between lady gaga and justin beiber??
One of them has got balls and it ain't beiber!!
Yo usher! Comin out tonight??
Nah have to babysit justin:)
I called justin beiber a girl and he hit me wid his PURSE Hey u guys r sooo mean to justin beiber. LEAVE HER ALONE!!
How to make justin beiber cry?
Tell her santa's not real!
Haha hope u had a gr8 laugh 8)
What does Minimum mean?
A very small mother!
What does Maximum mean?
A very big mother!
Three soldiers wounded in Iraq come home and are greeted by President Obama. He thanks them for their service, but tells them that, because of budget cuts, there have been some changes to the way you will be compensated for your wounds. You will be paid $100 per inch from any one part of your body to any other part of your body, you get to choose the parts.
The first soldier, somewhat disappointed, says "Measure from the top of my head to the tip of my toes.", he is measured, and paid.
The second soldier says, with his arms stretched wide, "Measure from the tip of my left hand to the tip of my right." He is measured, and paid.
The third soldier smiles happily, and says, "I want you to measure from the head of my penis to my testicles." Somewhat confused, President Obama says, "Whatever you say, soldier, drop your pants." The President looks, and sees that the soldiers testicles are actually missing. After a moment, Barack regains his composure, and asks "Where are they son?" The Soldier looks at the president, smiles, and says, "Baghdad."
Teacher: "What can we do to stop water pollution?"
Little Johnny: "Stop taking baths?"
Absolute zero is really cool.
"Name an animal that lives in Lapland?"
"Good, now name another."
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a hot chick on the other side!
What do pie's and babies have in common?
They both have berries.
An elderly couple is going to their doctor for a checkup. The man goes in first. "How're you doing?" asks the doctor. "Pretty good," answers the old man. "I'm eating well, and I'm still in control of my bowels and bladder. In fact, when I get up at night to pee, the good Lord turns the light on for me."
The doctor decides not to comment on that last statement, and goes into the next room to check on the man's wife. "How're you feeling?" he asks. "I'm doing well," answers the old woman. "I still have lots of energy and I'm not feeling any pain." The doctor says, "That's nice. It sounds like you and your husband are both doing well.
One thing though - your husband said that when he gets up to pee at night, the good Lord turns the light on for him. Do you have any idea what he means?" "Oh No," says the woman, "He's peeing in the refrigerator again."
It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.
What's the difference between a jeweller and a jailer?
One sells watches and the other watches cells.