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Why did princess Diana cross the road?
Because she wasn't wearing a seatbelt
What was the last thing that went through her mind?
The samsung galaxy note 7 is da bomb!
Oh SHIT! It went boom in my car!!!
An earthquake has struck the maternity hospital. Three people where killed, however six people where born.
Yo momma is so ugly that when you bring her to the doctors they say: "The vets office is over there!"
A lady goes into the local sporting goods store to buy a fishing rod to give to her husband for his birthday.
A salesman wearing dark glasses with a dog is behind the counter and asks, "Can I help you ma'am?"
"Well, I'd like to buy a fishing rod, can you tell me about this one?" she answers.
The salesman replies, "I'm sorry ma'am but I am blind and can not see the rod your referring too. However, if you'll drop it on the counter I'll tell you all about it as I can tell from the sound it makes."
The lady picks up the rod, and does what he says and drops it on the counter.
He belts "That's a Zebco 2500, fiberglass, 6.5', medium action - $15."
Lady - "Wow!" She finds another and does the same.
"Thats an Orion 35 C, graphite, 6', light action - best used with ultralight tackle - $20."
Very impressed the lady decides to buy the second one.
As the man is ringing up the sale, the lady makes a rather large noise as she passes gas but feels no need to apologize as the salesman is blind and has no idea who she is.
Salesman says, "That'll be $25."
"TWENTY FIVE DOLLARS!? YOU SAID $20?"
"That's right mam, $20 for the rod, $3 for the duck call, and $2 for the fish bait."
Little Billy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send Billy a $5.00 bill. President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
Billy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.”
At an army training camp in Florida, the sergeant is giving a talk: "The main quality we look for in this army is commitment and this is what I call commitment." An alligator came in the room and bit the sergeants penis. It stayed there for about a 10 seconds then the seargent poked it in the eyes and kicked it off.
"Now who's ready to show their commitment?" said the sergeant. A man put his hand up and said "I will, but promise you won't poke me in the eyes."
What do the starship enterprise and toilet paper have in common?
They both circle uranus and wipe out klingons!
Why do cows have bells?
Because their horns don't work.
A blonde walked in to a barber shop listening to her CD player.
BARBER: Ma'am, will you please take out your headphones?
BLONDE: NO!!! It is my way only of living!
BARBER: Okay, fine.
But secretly, in the middle of the haircut he takes the headphones out.
TWO HOURS LATER:
The blonde is dead, the barber is arrested, and police are on the crime scene.
The police decide to listen to the CD and it said, "Breath in, breath out, breath in, breath out ..."
The Story of an Italian Tourist in America:
So one-a daya I go to America. When I land I’ma very hungry, so I go to a resteranta and order a piece a toast. However, ma waitress, she is very stupid. She bringa me a plate with nothing on it. I says to her,
“I want a piece a toast on da plate.” She’s like,
“Wha?” So I says to her, “
I wanta piece on da plate!” and she tell me
“ You better not piss on da plate you sonsawabich! I angry with her, so I leave. I go to another resteranta hoping my luck will change. When I ama seated, there is no fork on da table. So I says to my waitress,
“ I want a fork-a on da table!” and she says to me,
“You better not fuck me on the table, you sonsawabich!” Again, I leave. I finally get to my hotel, but I notice that my bedsa don’t have any sheets. So I call the manager, and I tell him
“I wanna sheet on the bed!” and he tells me, “You better not shit on da bed you sonsawabich!”
Paddy goes for a job interview at a blacksmiths.
"Do you have any experience Shoeing horses?"
Paddy replies: "No but I once told a donkey to fuck off!"
Why do hummingbirds hum?
Because they forgot the words!
Hey these r some justteen barber jokes 2 make u laugh ...
Wats the diff between lady gaga and justin beiber??
One of them has got balls and it ain't beiber!!
Yo usher! Comin out tonight??
Nah have to babysit justin:)
I called justin beiber a girl and he hit me wid his PURSE Hey u guys r sooo mean to justin beiber. LEAVE HER ALONE!!
How to make justin beiber cry?
Tell her santa's not real!
Haha hope u had a gr8 laugh 8)
What does Minimum mean?
A very small mother!
What does Maximum mean?
A very big mother!
Three soldiers wounded in Iraq come home and are greeted by President Obama. He thanks them for their service, but tells them that, because of budget cuts, there have been some changes to the way you will be compensated for your wounds. You will be paid $100 per inch from any one part of your body to any other part of your body, you get to choose the parts.
The first soldier, somewhat disappointed, says "Measure from the top of my head to the tip of my toes.", he is measured, and paid.
The second soldier says, with his arms stretched wide, "Measure from the tip of my left hand to the tip of my right." He is measured, and paid.
The third soldier smiles happily, and says, "I want you to measure from the head of my penis to my testicles." Somewhat confused, President Obama says, "Whatever you say, soldier, drop your pants." The President looks, and sees that the soldiers testicles are actually missing. After a moment, Barack regains his composure, and asks "Where are they son?" The Soldier looks at the president, smiles, and says, "Baghdad."
Teacher: "What can we do to stop water pollution?"
Little Johnny: "Stop taking baths?"
Absolute zero is really cool.
"Name an animal that lives in Lapland?"
"Good, now name another."
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a hot chick on the other side!
What do pie's and babies have in common?
They both have berries.
An elderly couple is going to their doctor for a checkup. The man goes in first. "How're you doing?" asks the doctor. "Pretty good," answers the old man. "I'm eating well, and I'm still in control of my bowels and bladder. In fact, when I get up at night to pee, the good Lord turns the light on for me."
The doctor decides not to comment on that last statement, and goes into the next room to check on the man's wife. "How're you feeling?" he asks. "I'm doing well," answers the old woman. "I still have lots of energy and I'm not feeling any pain." The doctor says, "That's nice. It sounds like you and your husband are both doing well.
One thing though - your husband said that when he gets up to pee at night, the good Lord turns the light on for him. Do you have any idea what he means?" "Oh No," says the woman, "He's peeing in the refrigerator again."
It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.
What's the difference between a jeweller and a jailer?
One sells watches and the other watches cells.
A 10 year old boy and a 10 year old girl approach the little girls dad one day, "I want to marry your daughter" the boy says. Thinking how cute this is the father asks the little boy "Well where will you live?" The boy replies we will live here in Sizie's room cuz it's bigger than mine."laughing the fater continues,"Well what will you do for money?"the boy replies"Well I get 5 dolars a week and Suzie gets 10 so that's 60 dollars a month between the two of us."The father still thinking how cute this all is asks" Well what if she gets pregnant? How will you take care of a baby?"and the boy says"Well we have been pretty lucky so far!"
How can you tell that an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
Footprints in the butter.
A woman goes to the hospital, and her doctor gives her a sonogram.
He sees the baby and suddenly the baby says: "Are you my daddy?"
The doctor is shocked and goes to get another doctor, who looks at the sonogram.
The baby says again: "Are you my daddy?"
The doctor says: "No, I'm not your father."
They go to get the dad, the father looks at his baby boy and the baby asked: "Are you my daddy?"
And the father says: "Yes, I am!"
So, the baby pops out of the mother's womb, picks up his hand, and starts poking the father in the head while saying: "How do you like that?! How do you like that?!"
Mother: "Let me see your report son."
Son: "Here it is, Mother, but don't show it to Dad. He's been helping me!"
Yo Momma's so fat and black, she's a rare blood type... treacle.
What's the difference between an onion and an accordion?
No-one cries when you chop up an accordion!
So a boy is studying vocabulary and come upon the words confident and confidential. The boy unable to determine what it means goes to his dad and says
"Dad, whats the difference between connfident and confidential?"
So the Dad says "well I am confident that you are my son, but its confidential that your friend jimmy is also my son.
What's the difference between a blonde and the titanic?
You know how many men went down on the titanic.
Yo Momma is so stupid, she traded in her car for gas money!
Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
Because they taste funny!
What's worse than finding a caterpillar in your salad?
Finding half a caterpillar!
Teacher: "Where was the Declaration of Independance signed?"
LIttle Johnny: "At the bottom!"
Guest: "What's that fly doing in my gravy?"
Waiter: "Looks like breast stroke!"
Yo Momma's so ugly, she can make yogurt by just staring at a glass of milk for a couple of hours.
Yo Momma's so fat she cannonballed in the ocean and caused the 2004 tsunami.
A Chinese family of 5, named Chu, Bu, Hu, Su and Fu decided to immigrate to the United States.
In order to get a visa, they had to adapt their names to American standards.
Chu became Chuck.
Bu became Buck.
Hu became Huck.
Su and Fu decided to stay in China!
Yo momma's so fat, her butt cheeks have their own president!
Yo momma's so manly, she makes Jason Voorhees look like a twink!
Teacher: "When do astronauts eat?"
Pupil: "At launch time!"
Q: How do you get a parrot to speak?
A: Put it on an 89 bus.
[Speke is an area of Liverpool... this works only as a spoken joke, in the St Helens/Liverpool area.]
one day i found a dinosaur named matthew espinosa
Is it OK if you have extra homework? No
Knock knock. Who's there?
Why are you so happy if you have extra homework ?
What is dogshit
Women are Hypocritical. They always call men lazy after asking their husbands to do everything for them.
Golf balls are like eggs.
They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And a week later you have to buy more.
The telephone rings in the hotel lobby. The receptionist picks it.
Caller: "Tou ti tou roum tou."
The receptionist answers "Ta ta ta tou tou tou!" and hangs the phone.
The next day she is fired by the manager because the caller was asking her on phone to send 2 tea to room 2!