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Guest: "What's that fly doing in my gravy?"
Waiter: "Looks like breast stroke!"
Waiter: "Looks like breast stroke!"
Yo Momma's so ugly, she can make yogurt by just staring at a glass of milk for a couple of hours.
Yo Momma's so fat she cannonballed in the ocean and caused the 2004 tsunami.
A Chinese family of 5, named Chu, Bu, Hu, Su and Fu decided to immigrate to the United States.
In order to get a visa, they had to adapt their names to American standards.
Chu became Chuck.
Bu became Buck.
Hu became Huck.
Su and Fu decided to stay in China!
In order to get a visa, they had to adapt their names to American standards.
Chu became Chuck.
Bu became Buck.
Hu became Huck.
Su and Fu decided to stay in China!
Yo momma's so fat, her butt cheeks have their own president!
Yo momma's so manly, she makes Jason Voorhees look like a twink!
Teacher: "When do astronauts eat?"
Pupil: "At launch time!"
Pupil: "At launch time!"
Q: How do you get a parrot to speak?
A: Put it on an 89 bus.
[Speke is an area of Liverpool... this works only as a spoken joke, in the St Helens/Liverpool area.]
A: Put it on an 89 bus.
[Speke is an area of Liverpool... this works only as a spoken joke, in the St Helens/Liverpool area.]
one day i found a dinosaur named matthew espinosa
Is it OK if you have extra homework? No
Knock knock. Who's there?
Yeah
Yeahwho?
Why are you so happy if you have extra homework ?
Knock knock. Who's there?
Yeah
Yeahwho?
Why are you so happy if you have extra homework ?
What is dogshit
Kyle Bosman
Kyle Bosman
Women are Hypocritical. They always call men lazy after asking their husbands to do everything for them.
Golf balls are like eggs.
They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And a week later you have to buy more.
They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And a week later you have to buy more.
The telephone rings in the hotel lobby. The receptionist picks it.
Caller: "Tou ti tou roum tou."
The receptionist answers "Ta ta ta tou tou tou!" and hangs the phone.
The next day she is fired by the manager because the caller was asking her on phone to send 2 tea to room 2!
Caller: "Tou ti tou roum tou."
The receptionist answers "Ta ta ta tou tou tou!" and hangs the phone.
The next day she is fired by the manager because the caller was asking her on phone to send 2 tea to room 2!
What do you call men who masterbate using 'OMO' washing detergent
'OMO-SEXUALS'
'OMO-SEXUALS'
Mum: "From now on your going to have free school dinners."
Son: "But, Mum, I don't want three school dinners, one is more than enough!"
Son: "But, Mum, I don't want three school dinners, one is more than enough!"
What happens when you put a penis into a vagina?
How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed!
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed!
A couple is going to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking.
The wife asks: "What are you waiting for?"
The husband replies: "Autumn."
The wife asks: "What are you waiting for?"
The husband replies: "Autumn."
Father: "Why aren't you doing very well in history?"
Son: "Because the teacher keeps asking about things that happened before I was born!"
Son: "Because the teacher keeps asking about things that happened before I was born!"
How many ski instructors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They screw in hot tubs.
They screw in hot tubs.
My mother-in-law asked me: "If you hate me so much, why is my photo on the chimney?"
I told her, "So as to keep the kids away from the fire."
I told her, "So as to keep the kids away from the fire."
What did God think after he created Adam?
"I can do better."
Then he created Eve.
What did he think then?
"Dammit, my last one was better!"
"I can do better."
Then he created Eve.
What did he think then?
"Dammit, my last one was better!"
Chuck Norris and Superman had a contest once to see who was the most powerful of them.
The loser had to wear his slip over his pants ...
The loser had to wear his slip over his pants ...
My friend thinks he's smart, he said onions are the only food that make you cry.
So I threw a coconut at his face.
So I threw a coconut at his face.
One day a little girl and her brother were taking a shower together and discovered there privates part they didn't know anything about.
Later that day, The girl asked her mom about it and her mom said "Its your garage"
Then the little boy asked his dad said"Its your car'
The next day they were talking about it and the little girl came out the shower covered in blood her mom asked"what the hell happened"And the little girl said"Brother tried to park hes car in my garage so I deflated his back tires"
The Little boy dad saw him crying and he ask why are u crying and the little boy said"I asked sister to open her legs and the i tried to put my car in her garage but my car it wouldn't fit so i went back and front a few times and she moaned and I went faster and faster and she deflated my car now i wont have kids or put my garage in any other girl like you told me about.
Later that day, The girl asked her mom about it and her mom said "Its your garage"
Then the little boy asked his dad said"Its your car'
The next day they were talking about it and the little girl came out the shower covered in blood her mom asked"what the hell happened"And the little girl said"Brother tried to park hes car in my garage so I deflated his back tires"
The Little boy dad saw him crying and he ask why are u crying and the little boy said"I asked sister to open her legs and the i tried to put my car in her garage but my car it wouldn't fit so i went back and front a few times and she moaned and I went faster and faster and she deflated my car now i wont have kids or put my garage in any other girl like you told me about.
Yo momma is so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized.
A guy goes to the doctor.
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
What is the cheapest way to entertain?
Serve bean dip at a hot tub party.
Serve bean dip at a hot tub party.
This guy was at work and was really horny, so he told some collegues at work he was going to screw his wife till the dick hurts So when he got home, he found her in bed, got in and screwed her in darkness.
Two hours later, he walks into the bathroom to find his wife in the bathtub who goes: "Shhhh your mom is in bed sleeping"!!
Two hours later, he walks into the bathroom to find his wife in the bathtub who goes: "Shhhh your mom is in bed sleeping"!!
This is an A B conversation.
C your way out.
C your way out.
Whats the difference between a woman with PMS and a Pittbull?
Lipstick!
Lipstick!
Yo momma is so poor she was in K-Mart with a box of Hefty bags. I said, "What ya doin'?" She said, "Buying luggage."
An old man is walking slowly when suddenly a kid rushes by and steals his cane. What does the old man say?
"McCain! Why I oughta! Somebody should teach you a lesson!"
"McCain! Why I oughta! Somebody should teach you a lesson!"
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell Station!
To get to the Shell Station!
What's the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber.
A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber.
Yo momma is so fat she had her ears pierced by harpoon.
What did the dick say to the condom?
Cover me, I'm going in!
Cover me, I'm going in!
Mary's teacher asked "Stand up if you think you are an idiot ..." she sarcastically announced. Mary stoop up, smoothing her dress.
"Do you consider yourself an idiot, Mary?" The teacher said with a smirk.
"No, of course not. I just didn't want you to be the only person standing."
"Do you consider yourself an idiot, Mary?" The teacher said with a smirk.
"No, of course not. I just didn't want you to be the only person standing."
A man walks into a pole, Ouch,
A woman walks into a pole, she doesn't get a tip.
A woman walks into a pole, she doesn't get a tip.
Joe had trouble with getting a girl friend so he asks his frined Greg if he can help.
"Well, i planned we go to the beach tomarrow and i'll help you then."
Next day when they got on the beach on confortable and Greg says
"here, stick this rock in your pants and see if u can get a girl."
A minute later girls are running and screaming and then greg says
"No! Your supposed to put the rock in front! Not in back!"
"Well, i planned we go to the beach tomarrow and i'll help you then."
Next day when they got on the beach on confortable and Greg says
"here, stick this rock in your pants and see if u can get a girl."
A minute later girls are running and screaming and then greg says
"No! Your supposed to put the rock in front! Not in back!"
A boy was happy and sad at the same time, i asked why He said he was happy because he had sex with his teacher He said he was sad because he is home schooled.
A blond and a redhead are in a bar watching the ten 'o' clock news where a guy is threatening to jump off a 20 story building. The blond bets the redhead 50 bucks that he won't jump and the redhead bets he will. They see him jump. The redhead says, "I can't except the money because I saw him jump on the six 'o' clock news", but the blond says, "No, take it. I saw him jump on the six 'o' clock news too, I didn't think he would jump again!"
Why did the dog jump off the boat?
Because he saw a catfish!
Because he saw a catfish!
A man from upper Egypt went to a doctor for a check up, the doctor told him you are Ok but you must walk every day at least for 10 kilometers.
After a week the doctor received a call from the man who sounded very tired, Doctor please I need your help the doctor asked where are you? I almost reached Sudan now, may I have a rest please!
After a week the doctor received a call from the man who sounded very tired, Doctor please I need your help the doctor asked where are you? I almost reached Sudan now, may I have a rest please!
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cow?
Roost beef!
Roost beef!
I'm so damn pretty.
After looking at me, the girl who you thought was the prettiest will start looking like Miley cyrus.
After looking at me, the girl who you thought was the prettiest will start looking like Miley cyrus.
Q: What do you call 100 John Deere's circling around McDonald's in Kentucky?
A: Prom Night.
A: Prom Night.
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+ 2?"
The housewife replies: "Four!"
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
The housewife replies: "Four!"
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.
When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.
When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.
When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.
When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.
When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.
When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"