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A worker was called on the carpet by his supervisor for talking back to his foreman. "Is it true that you called him a liar?
"Yes, I did."
"Did you call him stupid?"
"Yes."
"And did you call him an opinionated, egomaniac asshole?"
"No, but would you write that down so I can remember it?"
"Yes, I did."
"Did you call him stupid?"
"Yes."
"And did you call him an opinionated, egomaniac asshole?"
"No, but would you write that down so I can remember it?"
A battle weary American soldier boarded a crowded train in London during the early days of post-WWII, only to discover he was unable to find a place to sit. As he walked the length of the train, he noticed a small white dog curled up on one of the seats. A large, well dressed woman sat in the seat next to the dog. The man hovered near the seat, hoping the woman would take the hint, but she pointedly ignored him.
"Excuse me, Ma'am," the soldier finally spoke, "Is this your dog? Would you mind holding it on your lap so that I may sit down?"
The woman raised her icy gaze to the young man and said in a haughty British accent, "oh! You Americans. You are so rude.
Fluffy is in that seat, and i see no reason why she should give up her comfort for you."
The exhausted soldier nodded, picked up the small dog ... leaned over ... opened the window of the moving train and tossed the dog out. The woman gaped and spluttered in horrified indignation, and the man sitting across from her lowered his newspaper.
"You Americans", he said, "You drive on the wrong side of the road ... you eat with the wrong fork ... and you just threw the wrong bitch out the window."
"Excuse me, Ma'am," the soldier finally spoke, "Is this your dog? Would you mind holding it on your lap so that I may sit down?"
The woman raised her icy gaze to the young man and said in a haughty British accent, "oh! You Americans. You are so rude.
Fluffy is in that seat, and i see no reason why she should give up her comfort for you."
The exhausted soldier nodded, picked up the small dog ... leaned over ... opened the window of the moving train and tossed the dog out. The woman gaped and spluttered in horrified indignation, and the man sitting across from her lowered his newspaper.
"You Americans", he said, "You drive on the wrong side of the road ... you eat with the wrong fork ... and you just threw the wrong bitch out the window."
How can you tell if you cut a really potent fart while in the grocery store?
The lady behind you starts checking her eggs.
The lady behind you starts checking her eggs.
How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
1) Five. One to climb the ladder, four to say "That should be me up there!"
2) None. The stunt double does it for them.
1) Five. One to climb the ladder, four to say "That should be me up there!"
2) None. The stunt double does it for them.
Teacher: "Great news, we have a test today, come rain or shine."
Little Johnny smiles.
Teacher: "So what's so funny about it?"
Little Johnny: "It's snowing!"
Little Johnny smiles.
Teacher: "So what's so funny about it?"
Little Johnny: "It's snowing!"
The Fire Brigade were trying to rescue an Irishman from the 10th floor of a burning building.
Fireman shouts: "Jump and we'll catch you in this blanket!"
Irishman replies: "Fuck off, I don't trust you, lay it on the floor!"
Fireman shouts: "Jump and we'll catch you in this blanket!"
Irishman replies: "Fuck off, I don't trust you, lay it on the floor!"
We all know that a viola is better than a violin because it burns longer. But why does it burn longer?
It's usually still in the case.
It's usually still in the case.
A blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but didn't want to pay the high prices.
After unsuccessfully haggling with of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde said, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price."
Later in the day, the shopkeeper spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. She took aim at an alligator, killed it and hauled it onto the swamp bank.
Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and shouted in frustration, "Damn, this one isn't wearing any shoes either."
After unsuccessfully haggling with of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde said, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price."
Later in the day, the shopkeeper spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. She took aim at an alligator, killed it and hauled it onto the swamp bank.
Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and shouted in frustration, "Damn, this one isn't wearing any shoes either."
Yo momma is so old, she was a waitress at the Last Supper.
Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result-the door bounced back open.
Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you need to move your cat."
Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you need to move your cat."
A Scottish captain once lent the referee a coin for the toss and demanded his whistle as security.
Teacher: "Why are you reading the last pages of your history book first?"
Little Johnny: "I want to know how it ends!"
Little Johnny: "I want to know how it ends!"
4 out of 5 doctors say that if they were stranded on a deserted island with no lawyers, they wouldn't need any aspirin.
Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.
On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail".
Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"
The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games."
The third convict, a blonde man, was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"
The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said "I brought these."
The other two were puzzled and asked - "What can you do with those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said - "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating ..."
On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail".
Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"
The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games."
The third convict, a blonde man, was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"
The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said "I brought these."
The other two were puzzled and asked - "What can you do with those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said - "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating ..."
What's the first rule of scuba diving?
Don't fart in your wet suit.
Don't fart in your wet suit.
A man was leaving a cafe when he noticed an unusual funeral.
A funeral Coffin was followed by a second one. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line.
The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He approached the man walking with the dog. "I am so sorry to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it?" The man replied, "That first coffin is for my wife." "What happened to her?"
"My dog attacked and killed her."
"Well, who is in the second coffin?"
My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also."A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
Then the man asks in excitement,"Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied,"Join the queue."Everyone is queuing for it.
A funeral Coffin was followed by a second one. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line.
The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He approached the man walking with the dog. "I am so sorry to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it?" The man replied, "That first coffin is for my wife." "What happened to her?"
"My dog attacked and killed her."
"Well, who is in the second coffin?"
My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also."A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
Then the man asks in excitement,"Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied,"Join the queue."Everyone is queuing for it.
Teacher: "Where does your mother come from?"
Little Johnny: "Alaska!"
Teacher: "Don't worry, I'll ask her myself!"
Little Johnny: "Alaska!"
Teacher: "Don't worry, I'll ask her myself!"
Teacher: "Can you tell me something important that didn't exist 100 years ago?"
Little Johnny: "Me!"
Little Johnny: "Me!"
What do you call a leper in a bath?
Stew.
Stew.
A doctor complains to his colleagues about the sanitary problems at a latex glove factory in Mexico.
"Workers stick their hands in melted latex and then dip their hands in a vat of cooling water to solidify the latex. The glove is then thrown in a finished products box."
His colleagues are disgusted by the lack of care taken in keeping the gloves sanitary.
"That's not all," says the doctor. "You don't even want to know how they make their condoms!"
"Workers stick their hands in melted latex and then dip their hands in a vat of cooling water to solidify the latex. The glove is then thrown in a finished products box."
His colleagues are disgusted by the lack of care taken in keeping the gloves sanitary.
"That's not all," says the doctor. "You don't even want to know how they make their condoms!"
Men are born between the legs of women and spend all their life trying to get back between them. Why?
Theres no place like home ...
Theres no place like home ...
The two partners from a small law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them looked alarmed.
He announced, "I have to go back to the office right away! I forgot to lock the safe!"
"What are you worried about?" asked the other. "We're both here."
He announced, "I have to go back to the office right away! I forgot to lock the safe!"
"What are you worried about?" asked the other. "We're both here."
"Mommy, Mommy, Why am I running around in circles?"
"Shut up, or I'll nail your other foot to the floor."
"Shut up, or I'll nail your other foot to the floor."
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out.
The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.
"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out.
The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.
Husband and Wife on 10th anniversary. The wife undresses and says: "What did you think when I stripped 10 years ago?"
He says: "I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry".
She says: "What are you thinking now?"
"Looks like I did a pretty good job!"
He says: "I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry".
She says: "What are you thinking now?"
"Looks like I did a pretty good job!"
Tech Support: "Do you have any windows open right now?"
Customer: "Are you crazy? It's twenty below outside ..."
Customer: "Are you crazy? It's twenty below outside ..."
What's the definition of happiness?
Getting up in the morning and seeing your mother-in-law's picture on a milk carton!
Getting up in the morning and seeing your mother-in-law's picture on a milk carton!
The elderly pastor was searching his closet for his collar before church one Sunday morning. In the back of the closet, he found a small box containing 3 eggs and 100 $1 bills. He called his wife into the closet to ask her about the box and its contents.
Embarrassed, she admitted having hidden the box there for their entire 45 years of marriage. Disappointed and hurt, the pastor asked her, "WHY?" The wife replied that she hadn't wanted to hurt his feelings.
He asked her how the box could have hurt his feelings. She said that every time during their marriage that he had delivered a poor sermon, she had placed an egg in the box.
The pastor felt that 3 poor sermons in 45 years was certainly nothing to feel bad about, so he asked her what the $100 was for.
She replied, "Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbors for $1."
Embarrassed, she admitted having hidden the box there for their entire 45 years of marriage. Disappointed and hurt, the pastor asked her, "WHY?" The wife replied that she hadn't wanted to hurt his feelings.
He asked her how the box could have hurt his feelings. She said that every time during their marriage that he had delivered a poor sermon, she had placed an egg in the box.
The pastor felt that 3 poor sermons in 45 years was certainly nothing to feel bad about, so he asked her what the $100 was for.
She replied, "Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbors for $1."
Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years. The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. “Congratulations! You’re a free man. Just tell me why didn’t you jump?” asked the doctor.
To which the third patient answered, “Well Doc, I can’t swim!"
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. “Congratulations! You’re a free man. Just tell me why didn’t you jump?” asked the doctor.
To which the third patient answered, “Well Doc, I can’t swim!"
When a knight in armour was killed in battle, what sign did they put on his grave?
Rust in peace!
Rust in peace!
Teacher: "I'm glad to see your writing has improved."
Little Johnny: "Thank you!"
Teacher: "Now I can see how bad your spelling is though!"
Little Johnny: "Thank you!"
Teacher: "Now I can see how bad your spelling is though!"
What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a crushed viola in the road?
There are skid marks before of the skunk.
There are skid marks before of the skunk.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing - it just waved!
Nothing - it just waved!
"It's clear" said the teacher, "That you haven't studied your geography. What's your excuse?"
"Well, my dad says the world is changing every day. So I decided to wait until it settles down!"
"Well, my dad says the world is changing every day. So I decided to wait until it settles down!"
Mother to daughter: "What kind of person is your new boyfriend? Is he respectable?"
"Of course he is, Mom. He's thrifty, doesn't drink or smoke, has a very nice wife and three well-behaved children."
"Of course he is, Mom. He's thrifty, doesn't drink or smoke, has a very nice wife and three well-behaved children."
How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?
Have you ever seen a rabbit with glasses?
Have you ever seen a rabbit with glasses?
The Titanic didn't hit an iceberg, it got roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris.
There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish.
He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."
A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.
The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."
The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.
His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."
The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.
His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the fucking potatoes!"
He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."
A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.
The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."
The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.
His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."
The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.
His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the fucking potatoes!"
3 mice in a pub havin a heavy discussing who's the hardest.
The first mouse says: "I'm the hardest I go up to mousetraps rip the cheese out and as the bar comes down I benchpress it 30 times and throw it across the room!"
The second mouse says: "You poof I get rat poison crush it into a powder and snort it!"
The third mouse finishes his drink gets up and walks to the door.
"Where are you going?" ask the other two mice.
"Home" he replies "To fuck the cat"
The first mouse says: "I'm the hardest I go up to mousetraps rip the cheese out and as the bar comes down I benchpress it 30 times and throw it across the room!"
The second mouse says: "You poof I get rat poison crush it into a powder and snort it!"
The third mouse finishes his drink gets up and walks to the door.
"Where are you going?" ask the other two mice.
"Home" he replies "To fuck the cat"
There are different ways to enjoy sex after marriage.
1) Smurf Sex: This happens during the honey-moon, you both keep it up until you're blue in your faces.
2) Kitchen Sex: This is at the beginning of the marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime.
3) Bedroom Sex: You've calmed down a bit, perhaps you have kids, so you got to do it in bedroom.
4) Hallway Sex: This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say: "Fuck you!"
5) Courtroom Sex: This is when you get divorced and the bitch fucks you before the judge and everyone else in court!
1) Smurf Sex: This happens during the honey-moon, you both keep it up until you're blue in your faces.
2) Kitchen Sex: This is at the beginning of the marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime.
3) Bedroom Sex: You've calmed down a bit, perhaps you have kids, so you got to do it in bedroom.
4) Hallway Sex: This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say: "Fuck you!"
5) Courtroom Sex: This is when you get divorced and the bitch fucks you before the judge and everyone else in court!
"Mommy, Mommy! Suzi got run over by a steamroller."
"Shut up and get the maple syrup."
"Shut up and get the maple syrup."
A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head.
"I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name 'Marylou' written on it," she said, furious. "You had better have an explanation."
"Calm down, honey," the man replied. "Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on."
The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again.
"What was that for?" he complained.
"Your dog called last night."
"I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name 'Marylou' written on it," she said, furious. "You had better have an explanation."
"Calm down, honey," the man replied. "Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on."
The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again.
"What was that for?" he complained.
"Your dog called last night."
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The Dog of course ... at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
The Dog of course ... at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."
"What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."
Teacher: "What do we call the outer part of a tree?"
Pupil: "Don't know Miss!"
Teacher: "Bark, silly, bark!"
Pupil: "Woof, woof!"
Pupil: "Don't know Miss!"
Teacher: "Bark, silly, bark!"
Pupil: "Woof, woof!"
Adam and Eve were the happiest and luckiest couple in the world.
Neither of them had a mother-in-law!
Neither of them had a mother-in-law!
How do you make a bunch of little old ladies say "fuck"?
Shout "Bingo!"
Shout "Bingo!"
"Dad, whats the difference between a pussy and a cunt?" a young son asks.
"Look at this," says dad, as he lifts the sheets on his naked sleeping mother, "thats a pussy son."
"It's wonderful dad, can I touch it?"
"No son" says Dad. "If you touch the pussy you'll wake the cunt up!"
"Look at this," says dad, as he lifts the sheets on his naked sleeping mother, "thats a pussy son."
"It's wonderful dad, can I touch it?"
"No son" says Dad. "If you touch the pussy you'll wake the cunt up!"
A girl looks at a mans tattoo: NIKE on his arms, REEBOK on his legs, she screamed when she saw AIDS on his penis.
"Relax" he said, "if it erects, it reads ADIDAS."
"Relax" he said, "if it erects, it reads ADIDAS."