Свежие анекдоты, приколы со всего рунета!
Постов за сутки: 49
Показать посты
отовсюду
Воффка
Фишки
anekdot.ru
Башорг
ЯП
Funpark
4iper.net
jokes4all.net
РСДН
Досенг
IThappens
Триникси
Lion Blog
xkcd по-русски
wulffmorgenthaler
Xaxor весёлые картинки
How do you get a viola section to play spiccato?
Write a whole note with "solo" above it.
Write a whole note with "solo" above it.
How come if ants are always so busy they always get time to show up at picnics?
"Mommy, Mommy! I don't like fishing."
"Shut up and stop squirming."
"Shut up and stop squirming."
Art Teacher: "The picture of the horse is good, but where is the wagon?"
Pupil: "The horse will draw it!"
Pupil: "The horse will draw it!"
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.
Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.
"Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's on fire!"
"Hurry up and get the marshmallows!"
"Hurry up and get the marshmallows!"
What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball!
You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball!
Windows VISTA: Well, it never does operate with speed. Because: Virus Inside Switch To Apple!!
"Mommy Mommy, Daddy fell out the window."
"Shut up, don't make me laugh, my lips are chapped."
"Shut up, don't make me laugh, my lips are chapped."
Q: What's the difference between a black guy and an elevator?
A: elevators know how to raise a child!
A: elevators know how to raise a child!
Q: How do you get out of an elephant?
A: Run around until you're all pooped out!
A: Run around until you're all pooped out!
There is this guy that walked down the street one day when he saw a dusty lamp laying on the road. Interested, because he loved antiques, he picked up the lamp and rubbed the dust off. Immediately after, a genie pops out.
The genie states, "Thank you so much for freeing me from my eternal punishment, I will grant you one wish!"
The guy is flabbergasted, and he takes this offer on.
He states, "Well, I have always wanted a bridge from my house to Bermuda."
The genie states, "No, no, not possible, imagine all of the funds and supplies that would take, not, not possible at all."
He states, "well, I have always had trouble with women an-"
The genie, upon hearing this asks, "Do you want that bridge in two lanes or four?"
The genie states, "Thank you so much for freeing me from my eternal punishment, I will grant you one wish!"
The guy is flabbergasted, and he takes this offer on.
He states, "Well, I have always wanted a bridge from my house to Bermuda."
The genie states, "No, no, not possible, imagine all of the funds and supplies that would take, not, not possible at all."
He states, "well, I have always had trouble with women an-"
The genie, upon hearing this asks, "Do you want that bridge in two lanes or four?"
Yo momma is so old, when God said "Let there be light!" she flipped the switch.
Question: Why Dont Chickens Play Basketball?
Answer: There Would Be Too Many Fowls.
Answer: There Would Be Too Many Fowls.
"I see ..." says the blind man pissing against the fan - "... it all comes back to me now."
When Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity he went out and found it.
Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze.
Because pepper makes them sneeze.
Always give 100 % at work:
12 % Monday.
23 % Tuesday.
40 % Wednesday.
20 % Thursday.
5 % Friday.
12 % Monday.
23 % Tuesday.
40 % Wednesday.
20 % Thursday.
5 % Friday.
After chuck norris visited the virgin Isles they had to rename them the Isles.
Why are men so bad at sex and driving?
Because the bastards pull out with no thought of who else might be coming!
Because the bastards pull out with no thought of who else might be coming!
Why are pubic hairs curly?
So you don't poke your eye out.
So you don't poke your eye out.
I find it interesting that if you rearrange the letters in the word "mother-in-law" you get the words "woman Hitler".
A man was brought before the judge and charged with Necrophilia.
The judge told him: "In 20 years on the bench, I have never heard such a disgusting and immoral thing. Give me a good reason why I shouldn't lock you up and throw away the key."
The man replied: "I will give you 3 good reasons:
(1) It's none of your damn business.
(2) She was my wife.
(3) I didn't know she was dead because she always acted that way!"
The judge told him: "In 20 years on the bench, I have never heard such a disgusting and immoral thing. Give me a good reason why I shouldn't lock you up and throw away the key."
The man replied: "I will give you 3 good reasons:
(1) It's none of your damn business.
(2) She was my wife.
(3) I didn't know she was dead because she always acted that way!"
One day a man is watering his garden and notices two hearst drive by followed by a man, a dog and a long single file of men that could easily be a mile long.
Curious he decides to talk to the man leading the way.
"Excuse me" he says "who is the person in the first hearst?""My wife" he answered.
"Sorry to hear that. How did she die?" he asked.
"My dog bit her".
"and who's in the second hearst?"
"My Mother-in-law"
"How did she die?"
"My dog bit her".
Astonished at this the man asked "May I borrow your dog?"
"Get in line"
Curious he decides to talk to the man leading the way.
"Excuse me" he says "who is the person in the first hearst?""My wife" he answered.
"Sorry to hear that. How did she die?" he asked.
"My dog bit her".
"and who's in the second hearst?"
"My Mother-in-law"
"How did she die?"
"My dog bit her".
Astonished at this the man asked "May I borrow your dog?"
"Get in line"
What have men of any nationality in common?
All fuck blondes.
All fuck blondes.
Teacher: "Do you want to borrow a pocket calculator?"
Pupil: "No thanks I know how many pockets I have!"
Pupil: "No thanks I know how many pockets I have!"
What was Camelot?
A place where people parked their camels!
A place where people parked their camels!
A boy sees his penis and wonders what it is. He asks his mom, "Mommy, what is a penis for?" Their mom, not wanting to tell him about sex yet, says "It's for making lemonade honey."
Soon after, he asks his mom "What is a vagina for?" His mom says "It's for making raspberry juice honey."
Later, he asks his mom "What is a breast for?" She says "It's for making milk honey."
The next day the boy's principal comes over. Mom serves him lemonade, raspberry juice and milk. The principal asks them where did they get drinks that delicious. Before the mom could answer, the boy says: "We got lemonade from a penis, raspberry juice from a vagina, and the milk from a breast."
Soon after, he asks his mom "What is a vagina for?" His mom says "It's for making raspberry juice honey."
Later, he asks his mom "What is a breast for?" She says "It's for making milk honey."
The next day the boy's principal comes over. Mom serves him lemonade, raspberry juice and milk. The principal asks them where did they get drinks that delicious. Before the mom could answer, the boy says: "We got lemonade from a penis, raspberry juice from a vagina, and the milk from a breast."
Proper punctuation and grammar is what changes the statement, "Get off of that dick!" to, "Get off of that, Dick!"
Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? Because the ones that can run, jump, or swim are already in the U. S.
Teacher: "Why are you the only one in class today?"
Pupil: "Because I missed school dinner yesterday!"
Pupil: "Because I missed school dinner yesterday!"
Teacher: "Give me three reasons why the world is round!"
Pupil: "Well my dad says so, my mum says so and you say so!"
Pupil: "Well my dad says so, my mum says so and you say so!"
Yo momma is so stupid she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
Where is the best place to have the sickroom at school?
Next to the canteen!
Next to the canteen!
One day I got hired to be a walmart greeter. I was doing a fine job untill a women with her two kids came in.
This women was very ugly, fat, and disgusting. She kept yelling at her two kids, cussing all over the place.
I walked up to her and said, "excuse me mam, what lovely kids you have, are they twins?"
She cussed at me and said, "what are you fucking retarded, anyone with eyes can tell that they aren't twins, one's 7 and the other is 9!"
I though about this for some seconds and responded, "I didn't think they looked like twins but I just couldn't believe someone would want to sleep with you twice."
That was my first and last day being a walmart greeter.
This women was very ugly, fat, and disgusting. She kept yelling at her two kids, cussing all over the place.
I walked up to her and said, "excuse me mam, what lovely kids you have, are they twins?"
She cussed at me and said, "what are you fucking retarded, anyone with eyes can tell that they aren't twins, one's 7 and the other is 9!"
I though about this for some seconds and responded, "I didn't think they looked like twins but I just couldn't believe someone would want to sleep with you twice."
That was my first and last day being a walmart greeter.
My husband says his penis grows longer everyday, I say his head gets bigger everyday. I guess neither of us are lying.
Where do cows go on Friday night?
To the moo-vies.
To the moo-vies.
Did you hear about the leper cowboy?
He threw his leg over his horse!
He threw his leg over his horse!
Jane: How long can you keep a chicken in the freezer?
Mary: Usually up to about 3 months, Why?
Jane: Well i put one in last night, and it was dead this morning.
Mary: Usually up to about 3 months, Why?
Jane: Well i put one in last night, and it was dead this morning.
What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
Gifted.
If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win?
Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris.
Why did Bill Clinton stop playing the saxophone?
He was too busy playing the harmonica.
He was too busy playing the harmonica.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
Yo momma is so old, I told her to act her own age and she died.
A yuppie was opening the door of his BMW when a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie complained bitterly about the damage to his car.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer!"
"You yuppies are so materialistic, it's ridiculous" retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off."
"Oh, my God!" screamed the yuppie, noticing the bloody stump where his arm used to be. "My Rolex!"
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer!"
"You yuppies are so materialistic, it's ridiculous" retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off."
"Oh, my God!" screamed the yuppie, noticing the bloody stump where his arm used to be. "My Rolex!"
Q: Why is Russian Porn so repetitive A: Because it's only one family.
"Doctor doctor; I only got sixty seconds to live ..."
"Can you wait there for a minute please!"
"Can you wait there for a minute please!"
A man was sitting in a room with a blonde itching to ask her something.
He asked her, "Can I ask you a question? Then you ask me one. If I get yours wrong I will give you £50, and if you get mine wrong you give me a fiver.
The blonde nods and replies,"Ok then."
So the man says,"What's the distance between the sun and the earth?"
The blonde hands him a fiver.
She then says,"What goes up a hill with 3 legs but comes down with 4?"
The man thinks for ages on this question and finally gives up and gives the blonde £50 He then asks her,"What's the answer then?"
The blonde hands him a fiver.
He asked her, "Can I ask you a question? Then you ask me one. If I get yours wrong I will give you £50, and if you get mine wrong you give me a fiver.
The blonde nods and replies,"Ok then."
So the man says,"What's the distance between the sun and the earth?"
The blonde hands him a fiver.
She then says,"What goes up a hill with 3 legs but comes down with 4?"
The man thinks for ages on this question and finally gives up and gives the blonde £50 He then asks her,"What's the answer then?"
The blonde hands him a fiver.
Yo momma is so fat when she steps on a scale it says "Whoa, whoa, one at a time please!"
Who invented King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference!
Sir Cumference!