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Where is the best place to have the sickroom at school?
Next to the canteen!
Next to the canteen!
One day I got hired to be a walmart greeter. I was doing a fine job untill a women with her two kids came in.
This women was very ugly, fat, and disgusting. She kept yelling at her two kids, cussing all over the place.
I walked up to her and said, "excuse me mam, what lovely kids you have, are they twins?"
She cussed at me and said, "what are you fucking retarded, anyone with eyes can tell that they aren't twins, one's 7 and the other is 9!"
I though about this for some seconds and responded, "I didn't think they looked like twins but I just couldn't believe someone would want to sleep with you twice."
That was my first and last day being a walmart greeter.
This women was very ugly, fat, and disgusting. She kept yelling at her two kids, cussing all over the place.
I walked up to her and said, "excuse me mam, what lovely kids you have, are they twins?"
She cussed at me and said, "what are you fucking retarded, anyone with eyes can tell that they aren't twins, one's 7 and the other is 9!"
I though about this for some seconds and responded, "I didn't think they looked like twins but I just couldn't believe someone would want to sleep with you twice."
That was my first and last day being a walmart greeter.
My husband says his penis grows longer everyday, I say his head gets bigger everyday. I guess neither of us are lying.
Where do cows go on Friday night?
To the moo-vies.
To the moo-vies.
Did you hear about the leper cowboy?
He threw his leg over his horse!
He threw his leg over his horse!
Jane: How long can you keep a chicken in the freezer?
Mary: Usually up to about 3 months, Why?
Jane: Well i put one in last night, and it was dead this morning.
Mary: Usually up to about 3 months, Why?
Jane: Well i put one in last night, and it was dead this morning.
What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
Gifted.
If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win?
Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris.
Why did Bill Clinton stop playing the saxophone?
He was too busy playing the harmonica.
He was too busy playing the harmonica.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
Yo momma is so old, I told her to act her own age and she died.
A yuppie was opening the door of his BMW when a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie complained bitterly about the damage to his car.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer!"
"You yuppies are so materialistic, it's ridiculous" retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off."
"Oh, my God!" screamed the yuppie, noticing the bloody stump where his arm used to be. "My Rolex!"
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer!"
"You yuppies are so materialistic, it's ridiculous" retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off."
"Oh, my God!" screamed the yuppie, noticing the bloody stump where his arm used to be. "My Rolex!"
Q: Why is Russian Porn so repetitive A: Because it's only one family.
"Doctor doctor; I only got sixty seconds to live ..."
"Can you wait there for a minute please!"
"Can you wait there for a minute please!"
A man was sitting in a room with a blonde itching to ask her something.
He asked her, "Can I ask you a question? Then you ask me one. If I get yours wrong I will give you £50, and if you get mine wrong you give me a fiver.
The blonde nods and replies,"Ok then."
So the man says,"What's the distance between the sun and the earth?"
The blonde hands him a fiver.
She then says,"What goes up a hill with 3 legs but comes down with 4?"
The man thinks for ages on this question and finally gives up and gives the blonde £50 He then asks her,"What's the answer then?"
The blonde hands him a fiver.
He asked her, "Can I ask you a question? Then you ask me one. If I get yours wrong I will give you £50, and if you get mine wrong you give me a fiver.
The blonde nods and replies,"Ok then."
So the man says,"What's the distance between the sun and the earth?"
The blonde hands him a fiver.
She then says,"What goes up a hill with 3 legs but comes down with 4?"
The man thinks for ages on this question and finally gives up and gives the blonde £50 He then asks her,"What's the answer then?"
The blonde hands him a fiver.
Yo momma is so fat when she steps on a scale it says "Whoa, whoa, one at a time please!"
Who invented King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference!
Sir Cumference!
What doesn't belong on this list; meat, eggs, girlfriend, blowjob.?
Blowjob. Because you can beat your meat eggs and girlfriend, but you can't beat a blowjob.
Blowjob. Because you can beat your meat eggs and girlfriend, but you can't beat a blowjob.
"What is an island?"
"A piece of land surrounded by water except on one side."
"On one side?"
"Yes, on top!"
"A piece of land surrounded by water except on one side."
"On one side?"
"Yes, on top!"
A man was taken for hearing, the Judge asks: "Why are you arrested?"
He says: "For shopping early?"
Judge: "Well, that's not a crime, anyway how early were you shopping?"
He replies: "Before the vendor opened the shop!"
He says: "For shopping early?"
Judge: "Well, that's not a crime, anyway how early were you shopping?"
He replies: "Before the vendor opened the shop!"
"Mommy, Mommy! what's a vampire?"
"Shut up and drink your soup before it clots!"
"Shut up and drink your soup before it clots!"
What's hard and straight going in, soft and sticky coming out?
Chewing gum.
Chewing gum.
Teacher: "Would you at the back of the room stop passing notes!"
Little Johnny: "We're not passing notes. We're playing cards!"
Little Johnny: "We're not passing notes. We're playing cards!"
Teacher: "Give me a sentence with the words defence, defeat and detail in it."
Little Johnny: "When a horse jumps over defence, defeat go before detail!"
Little Johnny: "When a horse jumps over defence, defeat go before detail!"
Which animal grows down?
A duck!
A duck!
Q: Did you hear about the new Drink at the bar?
A: It's called the Osama bin Laden, 2 shots and a splash.
A: It's called the Osama bin Laden, 2 shots and a splash.
What would you call the war between whites and blacks kkk vs kfc.
1st Roman Soldier: "What is the time?"
2nd Roman Soldier: "XX past VII!"
2nd Roman Soldier: "XX past VII!"
What is the difference between pizza and pussy?
You can eat the crust off of pizza.
You can eat the crust off of pizza.
Grammar is important.
Capital letters are the difference betwen helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse.
Capital letters are the difference betwen helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse.
What has no shape, you can't see it, travels fast, creates a sonicboom, and kills with deadly accuracy?
Whatever you do to answer, don't look at that fat guy eating a plate of beans ...
Whatever you do to answer, don't look at that fat guy eating a plate of beans ...
The sad life a penis: "I only have one eye, my hair is a mess, my skin is wrinkly, and my relatives are nuts, my neighbour is an arsehole and my best friend’s a cunt!"
How does bob marley like his donuts?
With jamin!
With jamin!
Teacher: "What is a comet?"
Pupil: "A star with a tail!"
Teacher: "Can you name one?"
Pupil: "Lassie!"
Pupil: "A star with a tail!"
Teacher: "Can you name one?"
Pupil: "Lassie!"
My mother-in-law was bitten by a dog yesterday.
How is she now?
She's fine - but the dog died.
How is she now?
She's fine - but the dog died.
Yo momma is so hairy, the only language she speaks is wookie.
Yo momma is so fat, she uses a mattress as a tampon.
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting Doctor!
Inter ...
You have cancer!
Who's there?
Interrupting Doctor!
Inter ...
You have cancer!
What do you get if you cross a centipede and a parrot?
A walkie talkie!
A walkie talkie!
Mother: "How was your first day at school?"
Son: "It was all right except for some men called teachers who kept spoiling all our fun!"
Son: "It was all right except for some men called teachers who kept spoiling all our fun!"
Why do wives use twice as many words as their husbands?
Because they have to repeat everything they say.
Because they have to repeat everything they say.
The Pope arrives in heaven, where St. Peter awaites him. St. Peter asks who he is.
The Pope: "I am the pope."
St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."
The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."
St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ..."
The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catholic Church ..."
St. Peter: "The Catholic church ... Never heard of it ... Wait, I'll check with the boss."
St. Peter walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with God.
St. Peter: "There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on earth."
God: "I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of ... Wait, I'll ask Jesus." (yells for Jesus)
Jesus: "Yes father, what's up?"
God and St. Peter explain the situation.
Jesus: "Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow."
Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing.
Jesus: "Remember that fishing club I've started 2000 years ago? It still exists!"
The Pope: "I am the pope."
St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."
The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."
St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ..."
The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catholic Church ..."
St. Peter: "The Catholic church ... Never heard of it ... Wait, I'll check with the boss."
St. Peter walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with God.
St. Peter: "There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on earth."
God: "I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of ... Wait, I'll ask Jesus." (yells for Jesus)
Jesus: "Yes father, what's up?"
God and St. Peter explain the situation.
Jesus: "Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow."
Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing.
Jesus: "Remember that fishing club I've started 2000 years ago? It still exists!"
"Mommy, Mommy, I want to play with Grandpa now!"
"Keep quiet, the coffin stays closed today!"
"Keep quiet, the coffin stays closed today!"
I heard Rex Grossman tried to kill himself after the Super Bowl ...
He couldn't go through with it though. He kept dropping the gun ...
He couldn't go through with it though. He kept dropping the gun ...
Our local drug store is selling tampons with bells on.
But just for the Christmas period.
But just for the Christmas period.
What's yellow and can't swim?
A bulldozer!
A bulldozer!
A blond, a brunette, and a redhead are interviewing for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different planets.
First, the panel of scientists asks the brunette, "If you could go to any planet, what planet would you choose and why?" She answers promptly, "I would go to Mars because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible extra terrestrial life on the planet."
Next, the panel asks the redhead the same question. Without any hesitation, she replies, "I'd like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings."
Finally, the NASA scientists ask the blonde the same question they asked the brunette and the redhead. After pondering for several minutes, she finally answers, "I would go to the sun."
Several scientists suppress a laugh, but the lead interviewer, trying to take the blonde seriously, explains, "Well, if you went to the sun, you'd burn to death almost instantaneously."
The blond smirks and puts her hands on her hips. "Don't be stupid! I'd go at night!"
First, the panel of scientists asks the brunette, "If you could go to any planet, what planet would you choose and why?" She answers promptly, "I would go to Mars because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible extra terrestrial life on the planet."
Next, the panel asks the redhead the same question. Without any hesitation, she replies, "I'd like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings."
Finally, the NASA scientists ask the blonde the same question they asked the brunette and the redhead. After pondering for several minutes, she finally answers, "I would go to the sun."
Several scientists suppress a laugh, but the lead interviewer, trying to take the blonde seriously, explains, "Well, if you went to the sun, you'd burn to death almost instantaneously."
The blond smirks and puts her hands on her hips. "Don't be stupid! I'd go at night!"
Teacher: "What are the Great Plains?"
Pupil: "747, Concorde and F-16!"
Pupil: "747, Concorde and F-16!"
What pillar doesn't need holding up?
A caterpillar!
A caterpillar!
The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word "definitely" in a sentence.
Little Johnny replies: "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"
The Teacher says: "Of course not Johnny."
To which Johnny replies: "Then I have definitely shit my pants."
Little Johnny replies: "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"
The Teacher says: "Of course not Johnny."
To which Johnny replies: "Then I have definitely shit my pants."