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A dog walks into this bar, jumps up on the stool and says to the bartender, "Hey barkeep, it's my birthday today. How 'bout a free drink?"
The bartender turns, looks at the dog and nods his head, "Sure pal, toilet's right down the hall."
The bartender turns, looks at the dog and nods his head, "Sure pal, toilet's right down the hall."
Franklin D. Roosevelt once said "There is nothing to fear but fear itself ... and Chuck Norris"
Teacher: "If 1+ 1 = 2 and 2+ 2 = 4, what is 4+ 4?"
Little Johnny: "That's not fair you answer the easy ones and leave us with the hard one!"
Little Johnny: "That's not fair you answer the easy ones and leave us with the hard one!"
The man tells his doctor that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the past 7 months. The physician tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her.
When the wife comes to office, the doctor asks her why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband any more.
"For the last 7 months," the wife replies, "every morning I take a cab to work. I don't make much money and my husband doesn't give more than bus fare, so the cab driver always asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' I always give him an 'or what'. That makes me late to work I'm late, so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to dock your salary, or what?' That's another 'or what.' On the way home, I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' And, again, I do an 'or what'. So you see, Doctor, when I get home I'm all tired out and I don't want sex any more."
The doctor thinks for a second. "So," he says, "are we going to tell your husband or what?"
When the wife comes to office, the doctor asks her why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband any more.
"For the last 7 months," the wife replies, "every morning I take a cab to work. I don't make much money and my husband doesn't give more than bus fare, so the cab driver always asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' I always give him an 'or what'. That makes me late to work I'm late, so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to dock your salary, or what?' That's another 'or what.' On the way home, I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' And, again, I do an 'or what'. So you see, Doctor, when I get home I'm all tired out and I don't want sex any more."
The doctor thinks for a second. "So," he says, "are we going to tell your husband or what?"
You know that somebody actually complimented me on my driving today, was too uber stoked! They even left a little note on my windscreen. It said, "Parking Fine." Was nice of them hey?
Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force. The light side, the dark side and Chuck Norris.
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, you already told her twice!
Nothing, you already told her twice!
What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic is using a feather.
Kinky is using the whole chicken!
Erotic is using a feather.
Kinky is using the whole chicken!
Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper." She pays $15.
When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.
When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.
When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen u for weeks!"
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper." She pays $15.
When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.
When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.
When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen u for weeks!"
Touring the city was a tour guide and a bus full of elderly people. 30 minutes into the tour, the guide feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns back only to find an elderly woman offering a hand-full of peanuts. With gratitute, he accepts and thanks the old woman.
Another 15 minutes and the same thing happens. This happens around 4 times. As the guide is offered again for the fifth time. He is now wondering: "Thank you, but why do you buy the peanuts if you do not eat them?", and the granny answers: "We just like the chocolate on them!"
Another 15 minutes and the same thing happens. This happens around 4 times. As the guide is offered again for the fifth time. He is now wondering: "Thank you, but why do you buy the peanuts if you do not eat them?", and the granny answers: "We just like the chocolate on them!"
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment ..."
The husband replies: "Your eyesight's damn Perfect."
The husband replies: "Your eyesight's damn Perfect."
Sheri, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. "Doctor, you must help me", she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up dating him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."
"I see", nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter".
"No!" exclaimed the nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward!"
"I see", nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter".
"No!" exclaimed the nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward!"
Why do women have legs?
Have you seen the mess a slug makes?
Have you seen the mess a slug makes?
Little Porny was bored, so she decided to go see what her mother was doing. As she walked into her mother's room, she heard her say: "Shit!" She asked her mother what that meant and her mother said: "Dear, it's just another word for make-up".
So she goes on her way past her brothers room, she hears him say: "Cunt and tits" Sshe goes in and asks: "What does that mean?" He says: "Ooh thats another word for coats and hats."
She goes down-stairs to the kitchen to get a drink and again hears her dad say: "Fuck!" She asks: "Daddy what does that means?" "Aah! my little one, thats another word for stuffing the turkey."
So she comfortably gets her drink and goes to watch a movie. Few minutes later, the door bell rings, she runs to get it opened and says: "Come in, can I take your cunts and tits? Mom is up-stairs putting shit on her face, daddy is down stairs fucking the turkey!"
So she goes on her way past her brothers room, she hears him say: "Cunt and tits" Sshe goes in and asks: "What does that mean?" He says: "Ooh thats another word for coats and hats."
She goes down-stairs to the kitchen to get a drink and again hears her dad say: "Fuck!" She asks: "Daddy what does that means?" "Aah! my little one, thats another word for stuffing the turkey."
So she comfortably gets her drink and goes to watch a movie. Few minutes later, the door bell rings, she runs to get it opened and says: "Come in, can I take your cunts and tits? Mom is up-stairs putting shit on her face, daddy is down stairs fucking the turkey!"
"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman. "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave."
"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"
"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"
What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick?
You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!
You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!
The elephant asked the camel: "Why do you have your breasts on your back?"
The camel clearly irritated by the outrage of modesty replies: "What a silly question from someone who has a dick on his face."
The camel clearly irritated by the outrage of modesty replies: "What a silly question from someone who has a dick on his face."
"Mommy, Mommy! When is the pool going to be ready?"
"Shut up and spit!"
"Shut up and spit!"
"Mommy, Mommy! Why is daddy running away?"
"Shut up, and help me reload the shotgun!"
"Shut up, and help me reload the shotgun!"
What are a woman's four favorite animals?
A mink in the closet, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and an ass to pay for it all.
A mink in the closet, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and an ass to pay for it all.
The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!"
Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
Why did the pervert cross the road?
Because he got his dick stuck in the chicken!
Because he got his dick stuck in the chicken!
What do whales eat?
Fish and ships.
Fish and ships.
Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt!
If you do not mind me saying, said the second: "That cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"
"I regret I cannot", lamented the first Arab. "It is permanently stuck in my butt."
"I do not understand," said the other.
The first Arab says: "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag attire with a white beard and top hat came boiling out."
He said: "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."
I said: "No shit?"
If you do not mind me saying, said the second: "That cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"
"I regret I cannot", lamented the first Arab. "It is permanently stuck in my butt."
"I do not understand," said the other.
The first Arab says: "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag attire with a white beard and top hat came boiling out."
He said: "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."
I said: "No shit?"
"Hello. Your Mother-In-Law fell into my pool filled with crocodiles."
"The crocodiles are yours, so you save them."
"The crocodiles are yours, so you save them."
Just before takeoff one day, a flight attendant approached Muhammad Ali and asked that he fasten his seat belt.
"Superman don't need no seat belt," Ali growled.
"Well, Superman," the stewardess replied, "don't need no airplane!"
"Superman don't need no seat belt," Ali growled.
"Well, Superman," the stewardess replied, "don't need no airplane!"
"Mommy, Mommy! Can't we give Daddy a decent burial?"
"Shut up and keep flushing!"
"Shut up and keep flushing!"
A lady in labour is shouting the usual stuff: "Get this out of me!", "Give me the drugs!",... She turns to her boyfriend and says: "You did this to me you bastard!"
He replies casually: "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse but you said 'Fuck Off! It'll be too painful!' Not laughing now are we!?"
He replies casually: "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse but you said 'Fuck Off! It'll be too painful!' Not laughing now are we!?"
What do hurricanes and women have in common?
When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.
When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't heard the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't heard the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me ..."
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me ..."
What kind of tree does a math teacher climb?
Geometry!
Geometry!
Yo momma has so many teeth missing, it looks like her tongue is in jail!
My mother-in-law is like a fine French Impressionist painting.
She's very lovely, but is best appreciated at a distance.
She's very lovely, but is best appreciated at a distance.
A woman finds a genie's lamp. The Genie comes out and says, "You may have three wishes, but your husband will get ten times more than what you wished for."
The woman agrees. Her first wish was that she would be the most beautiful woman in the world. "You realize," the Genie said, "that your husband will be ten times more beautiful than you, and more women will gawk at him?"
"That's okay," says the woman, "He'll only look at me because I will be the most beautiful women." So the wish is granted.
Her second wish was that she would be the richest woman in the world. "You know your husband will be ten times richer, right?" the Genie asks.
"That's okay. What's mine is his and what's his is mine," replied the woman. So the wish was granted.
The woman then thinks long and hard about her last wish. She finally wishes that she had a mild heart attack.
The woman agrees. Her first wish was that she would be the most beautiful woman in the world. "You realize," the Genie said, "that your husband will be ten times more beautiful than you, and more women will gawk at him?"
"That's okay," says the woman, "He'll only look at me because I will be the most beautiful women." So the wish is granted.
Her second wish was that she would be the richest woman in the world. "You know your husband will be ten times richer, right?" the Genie asks.
"That's okay. What's mine is his and what's his is mine," replied the woman. So the wish was granted.
The woman then thinks long and hard about her last wish. She finally wishes that she had a mild heart attack.
A man is in Hospital bed wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth. "Nurse" he mumbles "are my testicles black?"
The nurse raises his gown, holds his cock in one hand and his balls in the other. She takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them sir."
Man pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly: "Thanks for that. It was lovely but listen very very carefully ... Are-my-test-results-back?!"
The nurse raises his gown, holds his cock in one hand and his balls in the other. She takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them sir."
Man pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly: "Thanks for that. It was lovely but listen very very carefully ... Are-my-test-results-back?!"
Two guys work for the city: one furiously digs a hole, the other quickly fills the hole.
A confused passerby asks: "Why do you dig a hole and fill it up again?"
The digger leans on his shovel and replies: "The lazy jackass who plants the trees is sick again today."
A confused passerby asks: "Why do you dig a hole and fill it up again?"
The digger leans on his shovel and replies: "The lazy jackass who plants the trees is sick again today."
"Mommy, Mommy! My head hurts!"
"Shut up and get away from the dart board!"
"Shut up and get away from the dart board!"
"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.
"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."
The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."
The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."
"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."
The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."
The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."
Why did the ant fall off the toilet bowl?
He got pissed off.
He got pissed off.
A couple buys this cute little dog. They take him home and two days later the dog becomes very lazy. It won't eat, doesn't bark, heck it doesn't even move at all.
So the couple decides to take the dog to the Vet. The Vet looks at the dog and then lays it on the floor. He then brings a cat into the room and sets it beside the dog. The cat crawls all over the dog for several minutes and then runs around the dog four times before the Vet picks up the cat and puts him back in his cage.
The Vet then turns to the couple and says, "I'm sorry to tell you this, but your dog is dead ... That'll be $225.00."
"$225.00?," screamed the outraged man. "You expect me to pay you that much just to tell me my dog is dead?"
The Vet replied, "It's only $25.00 for the office visit and $200.00 for the Cat Scan."
So the couple decides to take the dog to the Vet. The Vet looks at the dog and then lays it on the floor. He then brings a cat into the room and sets it beside the dog. The cat crawls all over the dog for several minutes and then runs around the dog four times before the Vet picks up the cat and puts him back in his cage.
The Vet then turns to the couple and says, "I'm sorry to tell you this, but your dog is dead ... That'll be $225.00."
"$225.00?," screamed the outraged man. "You expect me to pay you that much just to tell me my dog is dead?"
The Vet replied, "It's only $25.00 for the office visit and $200.00 for the Cat Scan."
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"
How can you delay milk turning sour?
Keep it in the cow.
Keep it in the cow.
Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and George Washington are on a sinking ship.
As the boat sinks, George Washington heroically shouts: "Save the women!"
George W. Bush hysterically hollers: "Screw the women!"
Bill Clinton's asks excitedly: "Do we have time?
As the boat sinks, George Washington heroically shouts: "Save the women!"
George W. Bush hysterically hollers: "Screw the women!"
Bill Clinton's asks excitedly: "Do we have time?
Natalie had three very active young sons and they were quite a handful. One summer evening she was playing cowboys and Indians with them in her front garden when one of the boys "shot" her and shouted "Bang! You're dead, Mum," so Natalie fell down.
Her next door neighbour had been watching all this and when Natalie didn't get up straight away, he ran over to see if she had been hurt in the fall.
When the neighbour bent over her, Natalie opened one eye and said to him, "Shhh. Please don't give me away, it's the only chance I've had to have a rest all day."
Her next door neighbour had been watching all this and when Natalie didn't get up straight away, he ran over to see if she had been hurt in the fall.
When the neighbour bent over her, Natalie opened one eye and said to him, "Shhh. Please don't give me away, it's the only chance I've had to have a rest all day."
What do blondes and spaghetti have in common?
They both wriggle when you eat them.
They both wriggle when you eat them.
Why did they stop the leper hockey game?
There was a face off in the corner.
There was a face off in the corner.
A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.
On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone: "Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded: "You fool; you've dialled the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"
"No" replied the trainee.
"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot"
The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who you are talking to, you idiot?"
"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.
"Thank God!" replied the trainee and kept the phone down
On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone: "Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded: "You fool; you've dialled the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"
"No" replied the trainee.
"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot"
The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who you are talking to, you idiot?"
"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.
"Thank God!" replied the trainee and kept the phone down
There are two times a man does'nt understand a woman, before marriage and after marriage!
What's a perfect breakfast for a woman?
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.