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Hillary Clinton goes to a psychic who tells her: "Prepare yourself for widowhood ... Your husband is about to die a violent death."
Mrs. Clinton takes a deep breath and replies: "Will I be acquitted?"
Mrs. Clinton takes a deep breath and replies: "Will I be acquitted?"
What's the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist?
Marriage.
Marriage.
Little Johnny was in church with his mom for Sunday Mass when he felt a sudden barf attack impending. "Mom, I think I'm going to throw up!" She told him, "I want you to run outside as fast as you can. Run across the lawn and go behind the bushes. You can throw up behind the bushes and nobody will see you." So Little Johnny hauled ass for the door. Less than a minute later, he returned to his seat next to his mom. He had the look of obvious relief on his young face. "Did you make it all the way to the bushes, Johnny?"
"I didn't have to go that far, mom. Just as I got to the front door, I found a box that had a sign on it: FOR THE SICK."
"I didn't have to go that far, mom. Just as I got to the front door, I found a box that had a sign on it: FOR THE SICK."
How do you know that the driver driving toward you is a physicist?
He has a red sticker on his bumper, saying: "If this sticker is blue, you are driving too fast."
He has a red sticker on his bumper, saying: "If this sticker is blue, you are driving too fast."
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
Sam: "Would you punish me for some thing I didn't do?"
Teacher: "No, of course not."
Sam: "Good, because I didn't do my homework."
Teacher: "No, of course not."
Sam: "Good, because I didn't do my homework."
Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one woman turned to the other and said: "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!"
The other woman turned to her and said "I know! I heard it snoring!"
The other woman turned to her and said "I know! I heard it snoring!"
What's the most effective birth control device for men.
Their manners.
Their manners.
A Chinese man rings his boss and says: Me sick I cann`t come to work.
The Boss says: "when I am sick, I fuck my wife ... try that?"
Two hours later the Chinese man rings back and says: "Me better now you got a nice house!"
The Boss says: "when I am sick, I fuck my wife ... try that?"
Two hours later the Chinese man rings back and says: "Me better now you got a nice house!"
A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.
The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."
She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that."
The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."
She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."
The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."
She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that."
The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."
She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."
Teacher: "Who designed Noah's ark?"
Pupil: "An ark-itect!"
Pupil: "An ark-itect!"
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.
The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.
Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments.
They were also puzzled, the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behaviour that made them squirm in their seats.
Finally, the banker said: "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?"
The old preacher mustered up his strength and then weakly said: "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go."
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.
The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.
Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments.
They were also puzzled, the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behaviour that made them squirm in their seats.
Finally, the banker said: "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?"
The old preacher mustered up his strength and then weakly said: "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go."
Why doesn't Santa Claus have any children?
Because he comes only once a year, down the chimney.
Because he comes only once a year, down the chimney.
Son: "Dad, will you do my math for me tonight?"
Dad: "No, son, it wouldn't be right."
Son: "Well, you could try."
Dad: "No, son, it wouldn't be right."
Son: "Well, you could try."
A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examining his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating."
The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"
The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."
The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"
The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral.
The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling.
"Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea - go and bury 20 more of them."
The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling.
"Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea - go and bury 20 more of them."
What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being.
Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being.
How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
1) "I want a detailed memo about this issue till tomorrow's morning."
2) "You were supposed to have changed that light bulb last week!"
3) "We haven't got a policy on that".
4) "I am on my way to a very important meeting, so we'll discuss it some other time."
5) Three. Two to find out if it needs changing, and one to tell an employee to change it.
1) "I want a detailed memo about this issue till tomorrow's morning."
2) "You were supposed to have changed that light bulb last week!"
3) "We haven't got a policy on that".
4) "I am on my way to a very important meeting, so we'll discuss it some other time."
5) Three. Two to find out if it needs changing, and one to tell an employee to change it.
A Kentuckian came home and found his house on fire, rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on fire!"
"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
"Say, don't you still have those big red trucks?"
"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
"Say, don't you still have those big red trucks?"
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
A Mechanic.
A Mechanic.
Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.
"Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" .
"Well ... not exactly." his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."
"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"
"Well ... not exactly ... I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."
"Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" .
"Well ... not exactly." his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."
"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"
"Well ... not exactly ... I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."
A man was invited for dinner at a friend's house. Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her "My Love", "Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc.
His friend looked at him and said, "That's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names."
The host said, "Well, honestly, I've forgotten her name."
His friend looked at him and said, "That's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names."
The host said, "Well, honestly, I've forgotten her name."
What games do elephants play with ants?
Squash!
Squash!
A boy is writing a paper on childbirth and asks his parents: "How was I born?"
His mother awkwardly answers: "The stork brought you."
"Oh," says the boy. "Well, how were you and Daddy born?"
"Oh, the stork brought us, too, and Grandpa and Grandma."
The boy begins his paper: "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."
His mother awkwardly answers: "The stork brought you."
"Oh," says the boy. "Well, how were you and Daddy born?"
"Oh, the stork brought us, too, and Grandpa and Grandma."
The boy begins his paper: "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."
Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury aquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.
"Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for my dirty lawyer."
"Why?" asked the judge. "He won your aquittal. Why do you want to arrest him?"
"Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."
"Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for my dirty lawyer."
"Why?" asked the judge. "He won your aquittal. Why do you want to arrest him?"
"Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."
If the Eskimos have a thousand different words for "snow," does this mean the French have a thousand different words for "surrender?"
Did you hear about the new Chinese Cookbook being sold only at pet stores?
"101 Ways to Wok Your Dog"
"101 Ways to Wok Your Dog"
Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.
When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.
Why doesn't jesus play hockey?
Beacuse he's scared to get nailed to the boards.
Beacuse he's scared to get nailed to the boards.
One fine morning in Eden, God was looking for Adam and Eve, but couldn't find them. Later in the day God saw Adam and asked where he and Eve were earlier. Adam said, "The morning Eve and I made love for the first time."
God said, "Adam, you have sinned. I knew this would happen. Where is Eve now?"
Adam replied, "She's down at the river, washing herself out."
"Damn," says God, "now all the fish will smell funny."
God said, "Adam, you have sinned. I knew this would happen. Where is Eve now?"
Adam replied, "She's down at the river, washing herself out."
"Damn," says God, "now all the fish will smell funny."
One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers. They start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight. No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun." The woman doctor agrees to it.
So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so.
Afterwards, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yeah, how did you know?" The man says, "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started." "Oh, that makes sense", says the woman. " You're an anesthesiologist aren't you?" "Yeah", says the man , a bit surprised. "How did you know?" The woman answers, "Because I didn't feel a thing."
So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so.
Afterwards, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yeah, how did you know?" The man says, "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started." "Oh, that makes sense", says the woman. " You're an anesthesiologist aren't you?" "Yeah", says the man , a bit surprised. "How did you know?" The woman answers, "Because I didn't feel a thing."
You are on the bus when you suddenly realize you need to fart.
The music on the bus is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After A couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.
As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and looking really angry. That's when you remember you've been listening to your ipod.
The music on the bus is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After A couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.
As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and looking really angry. That's when you remember you've been listening to your ipod.
How do women define a 50/50 relationship?
We cook. They eat.
We clean. They dirt.
We iron. They wrinkle.
We cook. They eat.
We clean. They dirt.
We iron. They wrinkle.
Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The general practitioner looks at it and says, "Looks like a duck, flies like a duck ... it's probably a duck," shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away.
The next bird flies overhead, and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, "Hmmmm ... green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound ... might be a duck." He raises his gun to shoot it, but the bird is long gone.
A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the bird down, and turns to the pathologist and says, "Go see if that was a duck."
The next bird flies overhead, and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, "Hmmmm ... green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound ... might be a duck." He raises his gun to shoot it, but the bird is long gone.
A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the bird down, and turns to the pathologist and says, "Go see if that was a duck."
Where can you find a good lawyer?
In the cemetary.
In the cemetary.
A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease. "Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?"
"Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?"
"Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?"
"And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?"
"Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?"
"Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day, but only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?"
"Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?"
"Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?"
"And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?"
"Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?"
"Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day, but only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?"
One day, the phone rang, and a little boy answered.
"May I speak to your parents?"
"They're busy."
"Oh. Is anybody else there?"
"The police."
"Can I speak to them?"
"They're busy."
"Oh. Is anybody else there?"
"The firemen."
"Can I speak to them?"
"They're busy."
"So let me get this straight -- your parents, the police, and the firemen are there, but they're all busy? What are they doing?"
"Lookin for me."
"May I speak to your parents?"
"They're busy."
"Oh. Is anybody else there?"
"The police."
"Can I speak to them?"
"They're busy."
"Oh. Is anybody else there?"
"The firemen."
"Can I speak to them?"
"They're busy."
"So let me get this straight -- your parents, the police, and the firemen are there, but they're all busy? What are they doing?"
"Lookin for me."
One day a secretary is leaving on her lunch break, and she notices her boss standing in front of a shredder with a clueless look on his face. The secretary walks up to him and asks if he needs help.
"Yes!" he says looking and sounding relieved, "This is very important."
Glad to help, she turns the shredder on and inserts the paper. Then her boss says: "Thanks, I only need one copy."
"Yes!" he says looking and sounding relieved, "This is very important."
Glad to help, she turns the shredder on and inserts the paper. Then her boss says: "Thanks, I only need one copy."
"Mommy, Mommy, can I have a cookie?"
"Yes, the cookies are on the top shelf."
"But Mommy, I haven't got any arms!"
"No arms, no cookies!"
"Yes, the cookies are on the top shelf."
"But Mommy, I haven't got any arms!"
"No arms, no cookies!"
There is the story of a preacher who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
What's the quickest way to lose 190 pounds of ugly fat?
Divorce him.
Divorce him.
What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
There have been sightings of UFO's.
There have been sightings of UFO's.
One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on an exotic parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid. The price was high but the fine bird was finally his!
As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"
"Don't worry," said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"
As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"
"Don't worry," said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"
What's the difference between Lady Diana and the East Germans?
The East Germans survived the wall.
The East Germans survived the wall.
Whats the difference between married men and parking spaces?
Nothing all the good ones are taken.
Nothing all the good ones are taken.
10 HOME
20 SWEET
30 GOTO 10
20 SWEET
30 GOTO 10
EDIT: Duplicate joke #104.
A medical Professor was lecturing his 1st year students about 'Involuntary Muscle Contractions'.
To liven up the lesson he asked one of the female students, "For example, do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replies: "Probably having a drink with his mates"!
A medical Professor was lecturing his 1st year students about 'Involuntary Muscle Contractions'.
To liven up the lesson he asked one of the female students, "For example, do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replies: "Probably having a drink with his mates"!
A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked: "How long before I can get a haircut?".
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said: "About 2 hours." The guy left.
A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked: "How long before I can get a haircut?".
The barber looked around at the shop and said: "About 3 hours." The guy left.
A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked: "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said: "About an hour only."
The guy left. The barber turned to a friend and said: "Hey, Bill, do me a favour. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back".
A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked: "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"
Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said: "To your wife!"
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said: "About 2 hours." The guy left.
A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked: "How long before I can get a haircut?".
The barber looked around at the shop and said: "About 3 hours." The guy left.
A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked: "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said: "About an hour only."
The guy left. The barber turned to a friend and said: "Hey, Bill, do me a favour. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back".
A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked: "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"
Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said: "To your wife!"
A rabbit came into a shop and asked, "Got any carrots?" The seller answered, "No!"
The next day the rabbit came again and asked, "Got any carrots?" The seller replied "No!"
Next day the rabbit came and asked, "Got any carrots?" The seller shouted, "No! And if you come again and ask for carrots, I'll take nails and hammer you on the wall by your ears!"
Early next morning the rabbit came back and asked, " Got any nails?" The seller answered, "No!" The rabbit asked, "Got any carrots?"
The next day the rabbit came again and asked, "Got any carrots?" The seller replied "No!"
Next day the rabbit came and asked, "Got any carrots?" The seller shouted, "No! And if you come again and ask for carrots, I'll take nails and hammer you on the wall by your ears!"
Early next morning the rabbit came back and asked, " Got any nails?" The seller answered, "No!" The rabbit asked, "Got any carrots?"
A young boy and his grandfather went fishing one afternoon, after a couple of hours of fishing, the grandfather opened a can of beer, the grandson noticed and asked, "Grandpa, can I have a sip of your beer?" His grandfather looked at him and said, "Grandson, Is your penis long enough to touch your ass?" The grandson replied, "No!"
"Then you're not old enough.", said the grandfather.
A couple of more hours went by, and the grandfather lit a cigarette. Again the grandson noticed and asked, "Grandpa, can I have a cigarette"? The grandfather replied, "Is your penis long enough to touch your asshole?" Again the grandson replied, "No!"
"Well you're not big enough to smoke yet.", said the grandfather.
About an hour had passed and it began to get late, so the grandfather decided to pack it up and head for home. On their way home they stopped at a store, grandpa bought two lottery tickets and gave his grandson one. Grandpa scratched his off, but didn't win anything, The grandson scratched his off and won $10,000. Grandpa was all happy and surprised that his grandson had won and he asked, "Are you going to give some of that money to grandpa?" The boy looked at him and replied, "Grandpa, is your penis big enough to touch your ass?" Grandpa looked at him for a moment, then replied, "YES!"
"Good, then go fuck yourself!", said the grandson.
"Then you're not old enough.", said the grandfather.
A couple of more hours went by, and the grandfather lit a cigarette. Again the grandson noticed and asked, "Grandpa, can I have a cigarette"? The grandfather replied, "Is your penis long enough to touch your asshole?" Again the grandson replied, "No!"
"Well you're not big enough to smoke yet.", said the grandfather.
About an hour had passed and it began to get late, so the grandfather decided to pack it up and head for home. On their way home they stopped at a store, grandpa bought two lottery tickets and gave his grandson one. Grandpa scratched his off, but didn't win anything, The grandson scratched his off and won $10,000. Grandpa was all happy and surprised that his grandson had won and he asked, "Are you going to give some of that money to grandpa?" The boy looked at him and replied, "Grandpa, is your penis big enough to touch your ass?" Grandpa looked at him for a moment, then replied, "YES!"
"Good, then go fuck yourself!", said the grandson.