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Why is a viola solo like a bomb?
By the time you hear it, it's too late to do anything about it.
By the time you hear it, it's too late to do anything about it.
A woman comes into a hardware store.
"May I help you ma'am?"
"Yes, please, I need a three inch door hinge."
"Do you wanna screw for it?"
"No thanks," she responds, "but I'll blow you for that clock radio over there."
"May I help you ma'am?"
"Yes, please, I need a three inch door hinge."
"Do you wanna screw for it?"
"No thanks," she responds, "but I'll blow you for that clock radio over there."
With all your honor and dignity, what would you do? Please don't answer without giving it serious thought. By giving an honest answer you will be able to test where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation, where you will have to make a decision one way or the other. Please scroll down slowly and consider each line- this is important for the test to work accurately.
You're in Florida ... in Miami, to be exact. There is great chaos going on around you, caused by a hurricane and severe floods. There are huge masses of water all over you. You are a news photographer and you are in the middle of this great disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot very impressive photos. There are houses and people floating around you, disappearing into the water. Nature is showing all its destructive power.
Suddenly you see a man in the water, fighting for his life, trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud. You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar.
Suddenly you know who it is - it's George W. Bush!
At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him away, forever. You have two options. You can save him or you can take the best photo of your life. So you can save the life of George W. Bush, or you can shoot a Pulitzer prize winning photo, a unique photo displaying the death of one of the world's most powerful men.
And here's the question (please give an honest answer):
Would you select color film, or rather go with the simplicity of classic black and white?
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation, where you will have to make a decision one way or the other. Please scroll down slowly and consider each line- this is important for the test to work accurately.
You're in Florida ... in Miami, to be exact. There is great chaos going on around you, caused by a hurricane and severe floods. There are huge masses of water all over you. You are a news photographer and you are in the middle of this great disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot very impressive photos. There are houses and people floating around you, disappearing into the water. Nature is showing all its destructive power.
Suddenly you see a man in the water, fighting for his life, trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud. You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar.
Suddenly you know who it is - it's George W. Bush!
At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him away, forever. You have two options. You can save him or you can take the best photo of your life. So you can save the life of George W. Bush, or you can shoot a Pulitzer prize winning photo, a unique photo displaying the death of one of the world's most powerful men.
And here's the question (please give an honest answer):
Would you select color film, or rather go with the simplicity of classic black and white?
Why was the stadium cold?
Because it was full of fans!
Because it was full of fans!
Two Greeks chat.
Costa: "Did you ever fuck your girlfriend in the other hole?"
Spiros: "You are fuckin mad. I don’t want to make her pregnant!"
Costa: "Did you ever fuck your girlfriend in the other hole?"
Spiros: "You are fuckin mad. I don’t want to make her pregnant!"
Two guys went to a gas station that was holding a contest: a chance to win free sex when you filled your tank. They pumped their gas and went to pay the male attendant.
"I'm thinking of a number between one and ten," he said. "If you guess right, you win free sex."
"Okay," agreed one of the guys, "I guess seven."
"Sorry, I was thinking of eight," replied the attendant.
The next week they tried again. When they went to pay, the attendant told them to pick a number.
"Two!" said the second guy.
"Sorry, it's three, said the attendant. "Come back and try again."
As they walked out to their car, one guy said to the other, "I think this contest is rigged."
"No way," said his buddy. "My wife won twice last week."
"I'm thinking of a number between one and ten," he said. "If you guess right, you win free sex."
"Okay," agreed one of the guys, "I guess seven."
"Sorry, I was thinking of eight," replied the attendant.
The next week they tried again. When they went to pay, the attendant told them to pick a number.
"Two!" said the second guy.
"Sorry, it's three, said the attendant. "Come back and try again."
As they walked out to their car, one guy said to the other, "I think this contest is rigged."
"No way," said his buddy. "My wife won twice last week."
One day a girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him. After talking to him for while, he tells his daughter she can't do it because he is her half brother.
The same problem happens again four more times! The girl starts to get pissed off.
She goes to her mom and says: "Mom what have you been doing all your life time? Dad has been going around laying every maiden in the town and now I can't marry any of the five guys I like because they have turned out to be my half brothers!"
Her mom replies: "Don't worry darling, you can marry any one of them you want, he isn't really your dad!"
The same problem happens again four more times! The girl starts to get pissed off.
She goes to her mom and says: "Mom what have you been doing all your life time? Dad has been going around laying every maiden in the town and now I can't marry any of the five guys I like because they have turned out to be my half brothers!"
Her mom replies: "Don't worry darling, you can marry any one of them you want, he isn't really your dad!"
My childbirth instructor says it's not pain that I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Why do hens lay eggs?
If they dropped them, they'd break!
If they dropped them, they'd break!
Yo momma is so fat, when she gets on the scale it says "To be continued."
The husband returns home from the office. He kisses his wife, then spots the cat. Horrified he asks what happened to the cats fur?
His wife replied: "You told me to shave the pussy and there it is."
His wife replied: "You told me to shave the pussy and there it is."
Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.
The first guy said, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional."
The second guy responded, "I'm a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids."
They then asked the woman, "What are you?"
She replied: "I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."
The first guy said, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional."
The second guy responded, "I'm a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids."
They then asked the woman, "What are you?"
She replied: "I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."
Yo momma is so fat, she has her own area code.
During class lessons a sky-diving instructor had lots of stupid first-timer questions from his students of which he took time to answer.
One guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?"
Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered, "The rest of your life."
Since then, most students had to call it emergency graduation!
One guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?"
Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered, "The rest of your life."
Since then, most students had to call it emergency graduation!
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was uncomfortable with the women's type I had been playing with.
After turning for several minutes, a good looking gentleman working in the store approached me.
He asked if he could help me.
Without giving it a thought, I looked at him and said: "I think I like playing with men's balls!"
I was uncomfortable with the women's type I had been playing with.
After turning for several minutes, a good looking gentleman working in the store approached me.
He asked if he could help me.
Without giving it a thought, I looked at him and said: "I think I like playing with men's balls!"
Why do hurricanes and women have in common?
When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.
When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.
A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. The mom says "Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come true!". Billy says, "Ok mommy." and goes to sleep.
The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams "MOMMY! I'm still blind, my wish didn't come true!", the mom answered, "I know - April Fools!"
The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams "MOMMY! I'm still blind, my wish didn't come true!", the mom answered, "I know - April Fools!"
Dr. Phil was conducting a therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions" he observed.
To the first mother he said: "You are so obsessed with eating you've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom: "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turns to the third mom: "Your obsession is alcohol. This, too, manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers: "Come on Dick, we're leaving."
"You all have obsessions" he observed.
To the first mother he said: "You are so obsessed with eating you've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom: "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turns to the third mom: "Your obsession is alcohol. This, too, manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers: "Come on Dick, we're leaving."
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about his future until he gets a wife!
A man never worries about his future until he gets a wife!
Any married man should forget his mistakes because there is no use in remembering two people the same thing.
What not to say to the nice policeman:
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector was unplugged.
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector was unplugged.
How do you make a blonde laugh on a Saturday?
Tell her a joke on a Wednesday.
Tell her a joke on a Wednesday.
One day a man was at a hotel and had a leak in his sink.
So, he calls the front desk and says: "I have a leak."
Then the front desk person says: "Go ahead."
So, he calls the front desk and says: "I have a leak."
Then the front desk person says: "Go ahead."
A bloke takes his mates back to his new flat, after a few more beers.
One of the boys asks him: "What's the big brass gong for?"
The host says: "It's my speaking clock!"
"How does it work?"
"I will show you" and he hits it full pelt with a club hammer!
A voice from next door yells: "For fucks sake you cunt, its twenty to three in the morning!"
One of the boys asks him: "What's the big brass gong for?"
The host says: "It's my speaking clock!"
"How does it work?"
"I will show you" and he hits it full pelt with a club hammer!
A voice from next door yells: "For fucks sake you cunt, its twenty to three in the morning!"
Two friends, who had lost contact for many years, were catching up with each other. One asked, "So, you've got your own company, huh? How lucky!" The other replied, "Just a small one, nothing to be proud of."
Disbelieving, the first queried, "Small? How many people work in your company?"
The other sadly answered, "About half of them."
Disbelieving, the first queried, "Small? How many people work in your company?"
The other sadly answered, "About half of them."
What TV station do bees watch?
Bee Bee C!
Bee Bee C!
A Kentucky State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-75. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?"
The driver says, "Bout what?"
The driver says, "Bout what?"
A proof that men have better friends:
A woman didn't come home one night. Next morning she told her husband she had slept over at a friends house. Husband calls her 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Man didn't come home one night. Next morning he says he slept over at a friends house. Wife calls his 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he slept over and two said he was still there.
A woman didn't come home one night. Next morning she told her husband she had slept over at a friends house. Husband calls her 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Man didn't come home one night. Next morning he says he slept over at a friends house. Wife calls his 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he slept over and two said he was still there.
Did you hear about Michael Jackson's latest song?
"Don't let your son go down on me."
"Don't let your son go down on me."
A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside.
"What's going on?" she yells out the window.
"Cow on the track!" replies the conductor.
Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace.
Within five minutes, however, it stops again.
The woman sees the same conductor walk again.
She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"
"What's going on?" she yells out the window.
"Cow on the track!" replies the conductor.
Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace.
Within five minutes, however, it stops again.
The woman sees the same conductor walk again.
She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"
What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot?
A carrot!
A carrot!
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office. She is taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor. After arriving there, the doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"
"Oh ... he is breast fed!", replied the woman.
"Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor.
She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examing table. The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination.
The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor says: "No wonder this baby is so hungry. You don't have any milk!"
The woman with a wry grin on her face responds: "Well of course I don't." "I'm his aunt - but I'm sure glad I brought him in!"
"Oh ... he is breast fed!", replied the woman.
"Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor.
She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examing table. The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination.
The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor says: "No wonder this baby is so hungry. You don't have any milk!"
The woman with a wry grin on her face responds: "Well of course I don't." "I'm his aunt - but I'm sure glad I brought him in!"
What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?
An insurance company.
An insurance company.
Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks.
The first blonde said: "These look like deer tracks."
And the other one said: "No they look like moose tracks."
They argued and argued for a while and they were still arguing when the train hit them.
The first blonde said: "These look like deer tracks."
And the other one said: "No they look like moose tracks."
They argued and argued for a while and they were still arguing when the train hit them.
Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says: "What the fuck is your problem! I said I needed a hand saw!"
The other guy says: "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says: "What the fuck is your problem! I said I needed a hand saw!"
The other guy says: "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"
Why do high school choruses travel so often?
Keeps assassins guessing.
Keeps assassins guessing.
Yo momma is so fat. She has to iron her pants on the driveway.
Yo momma is so fat and old that when God said "Let there be Light", he told her to move her fat ass out of the way.
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"
He said, "Call for backup."
He said, "Call for backup."
"Daddy," a little girl asked her father, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'? "
"No, sweetheart," he answered. "Some begin with 'If I am elected.'"
"No, sweetheart," he answered. "Some begin with 'If I am elected.'"
A husband and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. "What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."
A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She asked if there was something which she could help the gentleman with.
The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it?"
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3000 a month living expenses.
The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it?"
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3000 a month living expenses.
What is the difference between the Dresden bombing and Germany's best comedian?
Only the first one can make you smile.
Only the first one can make you smile.
A bunch of guy's were working on a 50 story construction site, a guy working at the top accidently knocked a brick off the 50th story. When looking down he saw that his boss was in line for the brick to land on his noggin and briskly yelled, "Falling Brick". The boss looked up after hearing the yell and moved to one side as the brick crashed to the ground.
The boss looked up at the worker and yelled, "A $100 bonus for you lady."
Another guy working a floor below had observed what went down with the brick and decided he'd have a go for a $100 bonus, the problem was he was a bit of a stutterer, as he kicked the brick off the side of the building he looked down and yelled with a loud voice, fffffffffffffffff "FUCK HE'S DEAD"
The boss looked up at the worker and yelled, "A $100 bonus for you lady."
Another guy working a floor below had observed what went down with the brick and decided he'd have a go for a $100 bonus, the problem was he was a bit of a stutterer, as he kicked the brick off the side of the building he looked down and yelled with a loud voice, fffffffffffffffff "FUCK HE'S DEAD"
Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One.
Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $10,000 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."
Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $1,000 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy".
Hillary tosses her perfectly sprayed hair and says, "Of course, then, I could throw one-hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."
Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."
Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $10,000 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."
Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $1,000 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy".
Hillary tosses her perfectly sprayed hair and says, "Of course, then, I could throw one-hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."
Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."
A guy walks into the doctor's office. There is a banana stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a carrot stuck in one nostril.
The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."
The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."
A little girl goes to see Santa Claus at the local shopping mall. When she arrives and sits down on Santa's lap Santa asks "What do you want for Christmas little girl?".
"I want a Barbie and a GI Joe" says the little girl.
"But Barbie comes with Ken" Santa says,
"No, Barbie only 'cums' with GI Joe!"
"I want a Barbie and a GI Joe" says the little girl.
"But Barbie comes with Ken" Santa says,
"No, Barbie only 'cums' with GI Joe!"
Yo momma is so fat when she was lying on the beach Green Peace tried to push her back in the water.
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."