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Whats the difference between a woman with PMS and a Pittbull?
Lipstick!
Lipstick!
Yo momma is so poor she was in K-Mart with a box of Hefty bags. I said, "What ya doin'?" She said, "Buying luggage."
An old man is walking slowly when suddenly a kid rushes by and steals his cane. What does the old man say?
"McCain! Why I oughta! Somebody should teach you a lesson!"
"McCain! Why I oughta! Somebody should teach you a lesson!"
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell Station!
To get to the Shell Station!
What's the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber.
A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber.
Yo momma is so fat she had her ears pierced by harpoon.
What did the dick say to the condom?
Cover me, I'm going in!
Cover me, I'm going in!
Mary's teacher asked "Stand up if you think you are an idiot ..." she sarcastically announced. Mary stoop up, smoothing her dress.
"Do you consider yourself an idiot, Mary?" The teacher said with a smirk.
"No, of course not. I just didn't want you to be the only person standing."
"Do you consider yourself an idiot, Mary?" The teacher said with a smirk.
"No, of course not. I just didn't want you to be the only person standing."
A man walks into a pole, Ouch,
A woman walks into a pole, she doesn't get a tip.
A woman walks into a pole, she doesn't get a tip.
Joe had trouble with getting a girl friend so he asks his frined Greg if he can help.
"Well, i planned we go to the beach tomarrow and i'll help you then."
Next day when they got on the beach on confortable and Greg says
"here, stick this rock in your pants and see if u can get a girl."
A minute later girls are running and screaming and then greg says
"No! Your supposed to put the rock in front! Not in back!"
"Well, i planned we go to the beach tomarrow and i'll help you then."
Next day when they got on the beach on confortable and Greg says
"here, stick this rock in your pants and see if u can get a girl."
A minute later girls are running and screaming and then greg says
"No! Your supposed to put the rock in front! Not in back!"
A boy was happy and sad at the same time, i asked why He said he was happy because he had sex with his teacher He said he was sad because he is home schooled.
A blond and a redhead are in a bar watching the ten 'o' clock news where a guy is threatening to jump off a 20 story building. The blond bets the redhead 50 bucks that he won't jump and the redhead bets he will. They see him jump. The redhead says, "I can't except the money because I saw him jump on the six 'o' clock news", but the blond says, "No, take it. I saw him jump on the six 'o' clock news too, I didn't think he would jump again!"
Why did the dog jump off the boat?
Because he saw a catfish!
Because he saw a catfish!
A man from upper Egypt went to a doctor for a check up, the doctor told him you are Ok but you must walk every day at least for 10 kilometers.
After a week the doctor received a call from the man who sounded very tired, Doctor please I need your help the doctor asked where are you? I almost reached Sudan now, may I have a rest please!
After a week the doctor received a call from the man who sounded very tired, Doctor please I need your help the doctor asked where are you? I almost reached Sudan now, may I have a rest please!
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cow?
Roost beef!
Roost beef!
I'm so damn pretty.
After looking at me, the girl who you thought was the prettiest will start looking like Miley cyrus.
After looking at me, the girl who you thought was the prettiest will start looking like Miley cyrus.
Q: What do you call 100 John Deere's circling around McDonald's in Kentucky?
A: Prom Night.
A: Prom Night.
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+ 2?"
The housewife replies: "Four!"
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
The housewife replies: "Four!"
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.
When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.
When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.
When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.
When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.
When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.
When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
How do you get a viola section to play spiccato?
Write a whole note with "solo" above it.
Write a whole note with "solo" above it.
How come if ants are always so busy they always get time to show up at picnics?
"Mommy, Mommy! I don't like fishing."
"Shut up and stop squirming."
"Shut up and stop squirming."
Art Teacher: "The picture of the horse is good, but where is the wagon?"
Pupil: "The horse will draw it!"
Pupil: "The horse will draw it!"
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.
Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.
"Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's on fire!"
"Hurry up and get the marshmallows!"
"Hurry up and get the marshmallows!"
What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball!
You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball!
Windows VISTA: Well, it never does operate with speed. Because: Virus Inside Switch To Apple!!
"Mommy Mommy, Daddy fell out the window."
"Shut up, don't make me laugh, my lips are chapped."
"Shut up, don't make me laugh, my lips are chapped."
Q: What's the difference between a black guy and an elevator?
A: elevators know how to raise a child!
A: elevators know how to raise a child!
Q: How do you get out of an elephant?
A: Run around until you're all pooped out!
A: Run around until you're all pooped out!
There is this guy that walked down the street one day when he saw a dusty lamp laying on the road. Interested, because he loved antiques, he picked up the lamp and rubbed the dust off. Immediately after, a genie pops out.
The genie states, "Thank you so much for freeing me from my eternal punishment, I will grant you one wish!"
The guy is flabbergasted, and he takes this offer on.
He states, "Well, I have always wanted a bridge from my house to Bermuda."
The genie states, "No, no, not possible, imagine all of the funds and supplies that would take, not, not possible at all."
He states, "well, I have always had trouble with women an-"
The genie, upon hearing this asks, "Do you want that bridge in two lanes or four?"
The genie states, "Thank you so much for freeing me from my eternal punishment, I will grant you one wish!"
The guy is flabbergasted, and he takes this offer on.
He states, "Well, I have always wanted a bridge from my house to Bermuda."
The genie states, "No, no, not possible, imagine all of the funds and supplies that would take, not, not possible at all."
He states, "well, I have always had trouble with women an-"
The genie, upon hearing this asks, "Do you want that bridge in two lanes or four?"
Yo momma is so old, when God said "Let there be light!" she flipped the switch.
Question: Why Dont Chickens Play Basketball?
Answer: There Would Be Too Many Fowls.
Answer: There Would Be Too Many Fowls.
"I see ..." says the blind man pissing against the fan - "... it all comes back to me now."
When Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity he went out and found it.
Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze.
Because pepper makes them sneeze.
Always give 100 % at work:
12 % Monday.
23 % Tuesday.
40 % Wednesday.
20 % Thursday.
5 % Friday.
12 % Monday.
23 % Tuesday.
40 % Wednesday.
20 % Thursday.
5 % Friday.
After chuck norris visited the virgin Isles they had to rename them the Isles.
Why are men so bad at sex and driving?
Because the bastards pull out with no thought of who else might be coming!
Because the bastards pull out with no thought of who else might be coming!
Why are pubic hairs curly?
So you don't poke your eye out.
So you don't poke your eye out.
I find it interesting that if you rearrange the letters in the word "mother-in-law" you get the words "woman Hitler".
A man was brought before the judge and charged with Necrophilia.
The judge told him: "In 20 years on the bench, I have never heard such a disgusting and immoral thing. Give me a good reason why I shouldn't lock you up and throw away the key."
The man replied: "I will give you 3 good reasons:
(1) It's none of your damn business.
(2) She was my wife.
(3) I didn't know she was dead because she always acted that way!"
The judge told him: "In 20 years on the bench, I have never heard such a disgusting and immoral thing. Give me a good reason why I shouldn't lock you up and throw away the key."
The man replied: "I will give you 3 good reasons:
(1) It's none of your damn business.
(2) She was my wife.
(3) I didn't know she was dead because she always acted that way!"
One day a man is watering his garden and notices two hearst drive by followed by a man, a dog and a long single file of men that could easily be a mile long.
Curious he decides to talk to the man leading the way.
"Excuse me" he says "who is the person in the first hearst?""My wife" he answered.
"Sorry to hear that. How did she die?" he asked.
"My dog bit her".
"and who's in the second hearst?"
"My Mother-in-law"
"How did she die?"
"My dog bit her".
Astonished at this the man asked "May I borrow your dog?"
"Get in line"
Curious he decides to talk to the man leading the way.
"Excuse me" he says "who is the person in the first hearst?""My wife" he answered.
"Sorry to hear that. How did she die?" he asked.
"My dog bit her".
"and who's in the second hearst?"
"My Mother-in-law"
"How did she die?"
"My dog bit her".
Astonished at this the man asked "May I borrow your dog?"
"Get in line"
What have men of any nationality in common?
All fuck blondes.
All fuck blondes.
Teacher: "Do you want to borrow a pocket calculator?"
Pupil: "No thanks I know how many pockets I have!"
Pupil: "No thanks I know how many pockets I have!"
What was Camelot?
A place where people parked their camels!
A place where people parked their camels!
A boy sees his penis and wonders what it is. He asks his mom, "Mommy, what is a penis for?" Their mom, not wanting to tell him about sex yet, says "It's for making lemonade honey."
Soon after, he asks his mom "What is a vagina for?" His mom says "It's for making raspberry juice honey."
Later, he asks his mom "What is a breast for?" She says "It's for making milk honey."
The next day the boy's principal comes over. Mom serves him lemonade, raspberry juice and milk. The principal asks them where did they get drinks that delicious. Before the mom could answer, the boy says: "We got lemonade from a penis, raspberry juice from a vagina, and the milk from a breast."
Soon after, he asks his mom "What is a vagina for?" His mom says "It's for making raspberry juice honey."
Later, he asks his mom "What is a breast for?" She says "It's for making milk honey."
The next day the boy's principal comes over. Mom serves him lemonade, raspberry juice and milk. The principal asks them where did they get drinks that delicious. Before the mom could answer, the boy says: "We got lemonade from a penis, raspberry juice from a vagina, and the milk from a breast."
Proper punctuation and grammar is what changes the statement, "Get off of that dick!" to, "Get off of that, Dick!"
Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? Because the ones that can run, jump, or swim are already in the U. S.
Teacher: "Why are you the only one in class today?"
Pupil: "Because I missed school dinner yesterday!"
Pupil: "Because I missed school dinner yesterday!"