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Absolute zero is really cool.
"Name an animal that lives in Lapland?"
"A reindeer."
"Good, now name another."
"Another reindeer!"
"A reindeer."
"Good, now name another."
"Another reindeer!"
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a hot chick on the other side!
Because there was a hot chick on the other side!
What do pie's and babies have in common?
They both have berries.
They both have berries.
An elderly couple is going to their doctor for a checkup. The man goes in first. "How're you doing?" asks the doctor. "Pretty good," answers the old man. "I'm eating well, and I'm still in control of my bowels and bladder. In fact, when I get up at night to pee, the good Lord turns the light on for me."
The doctor decides not to comment on that last statement, and goes into the next room to check on the man's wife. "How're you feeling?" he asks. "I'm doing well," answers the old woman. "I still have lots of energy and I'm not feeling any pain." The doctor says, "That's nice. It sounds like you and your husband are both doing well.
One thing though - your husband said that when he gets up to pee at night, the good Lord turns the light on for him. Do you have any idea what he means?" "Oh No," says the woman, "He's peeing in the refrigerator again."
The doctor decides not to comment on that last statement, and goes into the next room to check on the man's wife. "How're you feeling?" he asks. "I'm doing well," answers the old woman. "I still have lots of energy and I'm not feeling any pain." The doctor says, "That's nice. It sounds like you and your husband are both doing well.
One thing though - your husband said that when he gets up to pee at night, the good Lord turns the light on for him. Do you have any idea what he means?" "Oh No," says the woman, "He's peeing in the refrigerator again."
It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.
What's the difference between a jeweller and a jailer?
One sells watches and the other watches cells.
One sells watches and the other watches cells.
A 10 year old boy and a 10 year old girl approach the little girls dad one day, "I want to marry your daughter" the boy says. Thinking how cute this is the father asks the little boy "Well where will you live?" The boy replies we will live here in Sizie's room cuz it's bigger than mine."laughing the fater continues,"Well what will you do for money?"the boy replies"Well I get 5 dolars a week and Suzie gets 10 so that's 60 dollars a month between the two of us."The father still thinking how cute this all is asks" Well what if she gets pregnant? How will you take care of a baby?"and the boy says"Well we have been pretty lucky so far!"
How can you tell that an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
Footprints in the butter.
Footprints in the butter.
A woman goes to the hospital, and her doctor gives her a sonogram.
He sees the baby and suddenly the baby says: "Are you my daddy?"
The doctor is shocked and goes to get another doctor, who looks at the sonogram.
The baby says again: "Are you my daddy?"
The doctor says: "No, I'm not your father."
They go to get the dad, the father looks at his baby boy and the baby asked: "Are you my daddy?"
And the father says: "Yes, I am!"
So, the baby pops out of the mother's womb, picks up his hand, and starts poking the father in the head while saying: "How do you like that?! How do you like that?!"
He sees the baby and suddenly the baby says: "Are you my daddy?"
The doctor is shocked and goes to get another doctor, who looks at the sonogram.
The baby says again: "Are you my daddy?"
The doctor says: "No, I'm not your father."
They go to get the dad, the father looks at his baby boy and the baby asked: "Are you my daddy?"
And the father says: "Yes, I am!"
So, the baby pops out of the mother's womb, picks up his hand, and starts poking the father in the head while saying: "How do you like that?! How do you like that?!"
Mother: "Let me see your report son."
Son: "Here it is, Mother, but don't show it to Dad. He's been helping me!"
Son: "Here it is, Mother, but don't show it to Dad. He's been helping me!"
Yo Momma's so fat and black, she's a rare blood type... treacle.
What's the difference between an onion and an accordion?
No-one cries when you chop up an accordion!
No-one cries when you chop up an accordion!
So a boy is studying vocabulary and come upon the words confident and confidential. The boy unable to determine what it means goes to his dad and says
"Dad, whats the difference between connfident and confidential?"
So the Dad says "well I am confident that you are my son, but its confidential that your friend jimmy is also my son.
"Dad, whats the difference between connfident and confidential?"
So the Dad says "well I am confident that you are my son, but its confidential that your friend jimmy is also my son.
What's the difference between a blonde and the titanic?
You know how many men went down on the titanic.
You know how many men went down on the titanic.
Yo Momma is so stupid, she traded in her car for gas money!
Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
Because they taste funny!
Because they taste funny!
What's worse than finding a caterpillar in your salad?
Finding half a caterpillar!
Finding half a caterpillar!
Teacher: "Where was the Declaration of Independance signed?"
LIttle Johnny: "At the bottom!"
LIttle Johnny: "At the bottom!"
Guest: "What's that fly doing in my gravy?"
Waiter: "Looks like breast stroke!"
Waiter: "Looks like breast stroke!"
Yo Momma's so ugly, she can make yogurt by just staring at a glass of milk for a couple of hours.
Yo Momma's so fat she cannonballed in the ocean and caused the 2004 tsunami.
A Chinese family of 5, named Chu, Bu, Hu, Su and Fu decided to immigrate to the United States.
In order to get a visa, they had to adapt their names to American standards.
Chu became Chuck.
Bu became Buck.
Hu became Huck.
Su and Fu decided to stay in China!
In order to get a visa, they had to adapt their names to American standards.
Chu became Chuck.
Bu became Buck.
Hu became Huck.
Su and Fu decided to stay in China!
Yo momma's so fat, her butt cheeks have their own president!
Yo momma's so manly, she makes Jason Voorhees look like a twink!
Teacher: "When do astronauts eat?"
Pupil: "At launch time!"
Pupil: "At launch time!"
Q: How do you get a parrot to speak?
A: Put it on an 89 bus.
[Speke is an area of Liverpool... this works only as a spoken joke, in the St Helens/Liverpool area.]
A: Put it on an 89 bus.
[Speke is an area of Liverpool... this works only as a spoken joke, in the St Helens/Liverpool area.]
one day i found a dinosaur named matthew espinosa
Is it OK if you have extra homework? No
Knock knock. Who's there?
Yeah
Yeahwho?
Why are you so happy if you have extra homework ?
Knock knock. Who's there?
Yeah
Yeahwho?
Why are you so happy if you have extra homework ?
What is dogshit
Kyle Bosman
Kyle Bosman
Women are Hypocritical. They always call men lazy after asking their husbands to do everything for them.
Golf balls are like eggs.
They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And a week later you have to buy more.
They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And a week later you have to buy more.
The telephone rings in the hotel lobby. The receptionist picks it.
Caller: "Tou ti tou roum tou."
The receptionist answers "Ta ta ta tou tou tou!" and hangs the phone.
The next day she is fired by the manager because the caller was asking her on phone to send 2 tea to room 2!
Caller: "Tou ti tou roum tou."
The receptionist answers "Ta ta ta tou tou tou!" and hangs the phone.
The next day she is fired by the manager because the caller was asking her on phone to send 2 tea to room 2!
What do you call men who masterbate using 'OMO' washing detergent
'OMO-SEXUALS'
'OMO-SEXUALS'
Mum: "From now on your going to have free school dinners."
Son: "But, Mum, I don't want three school dinners, one is more than enough!"
Son: "But, Mum, I don't want three school dinners, one is more than enough!"
What happens when you put a penis into a vagina?
How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed!
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed!
A couple is going to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking.
The wife asks: "What are you waiting for?"
The husband replies: "Autumn."
The wife asks: "What are you waiting for?"
The husband replies: "Autumn."
Father: "Why aren't you doing very well in history?"
Son: "Because the teacher keeps asking about things that happened before I was born!"
Son: "Because the teacher keeps asking about things that happened before I was born!"
How many ski instructors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They screw in hot tubs.
They screw in hot tubs.
My mother-in-law asked me: "If you hate me so much, why is my photo on the chimney?"
I told her, "So as to keep the kids away from the fire."
I told her, "So as to keep the kids away from the fire."
What did God think after he created Adam?
"I can do better."
Then he created Eve.
What did he think then?
"Dammit, my last one was better!"
"I can do better."
Then he created Eve.
What did he think then?
"Dammit, my last one was better!"
Chuck Norris and Superman had a contest once to see who was the most powerful of them.
The loser had to wear his slip over his pants ...
The loser had to wear his slip over his pants ...
My friend thinks he's smart, he said onions are the only food that make you cry.
So I threw a coconut at his face.
So I threw a coconut at his face.
One day a little girl and her brother were taking a shower together and discovered there privates part they didn't know anything about.
Later that day, The girl asked her mom about it and her mom said "Its your garage"
Then the little boy asked his dad said"Its your car'
The next day they were talking about it and the little girl came out the shower covered in blood her mom asked"what the hell happened"And the little girl said"Brother tried to park hes car in my garage so I deflated his back tires"
The Little boy dad saw him crying and he ask why are u crying and the little boy said"I asked sister to open her legs and the i tried to put my car in her garage but my car it wouldn't fit so i went back and front a few times and she moaned and I went faster and faster and she deflated my car now i wont have kids or put my garage in any other girl like you told me about.
Later that day, The girl asked her mom about it and her mom said "Its your garage"
Then the little boy asked his dad said"Its your car'
The next day they were talking about it and the little girl came out the shower covered in blood her mom asked"what the hell happened"And the little girl said"Brother tried to park hes car in my garage so I deflated his back tires"
The Little boy dad saw him crying and he ask why are u crying and the little boy said"I asked sister to open her legs and the i tried to put my car in her garage but my car it wouldn't fit so i went back and front a few times and she moaned and I went faster and faster and she deflated my car now i wont have kids or put my garage in any other girl like you told me about.
Yo momma is so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized.
A guy goes to the doctor.
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
What is the cheapest way to entertain?
Serve bean dip at a hot tub party.
Serve bean dip at a hot tub party.
This guy was at work and was really horny, so he told some collegues at work he was going to screw his wife till the dick hurts So when he got home, he found her in bed, got in and screwed her in darkness.
Two hours later, he walks into the bathroom to find his wife in the bathtub who goes: "Shhhh your mom is in bed sleeping"!!
Two hours later, he walks into the bathroom to find his wife in the bathtub who goes: "Shhhh your mom is in bed sleeping"!!
This is an A B conversation.
C your way out.
C your way out.